A little bit of insanity lost within society...

Maybe it's me

2011-12-17T10:40:00.002-07:00

I don't know, things have been very stressful. I don't know if it is the way others are expressing issues involving me or if it's the assumptions that are made in regards to these issues. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of it all. I really do not like being viewed as someone I'm not. I'm trying not to take this to heart, but I never ever try to build myself up as something I'm not. Or imply I'm doing things in that manner without consulting others or following instructions.

Jason says I am a rules freak. Maybe it was my upbringing. I follow the rules, instruction, and guidelines to the best of my ability. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I don't follow everything to the T, but I try really hard to be on the up and up. Rules are there for safety and logical reasons, or that's how I look at it.

I'm sorry for this post. This just hit me this morning and seems to be happening a lot lately, which is why I'm wondering if it's me. But not to sound like a jerk or righteous, I doubt it is me.

2011-12-09T21:14:00.005-07:00

Christmas is coming, and I'm no where near ready for it, but then again I am. Jason and I are still trying to figure out if we go or stay for Christmas. It would almost been fun to go what we did last year, minus the proposal. But with his work schedule we would have to leave Christmas Day and money is tight. Also, it's our first year together as husband and wife and it would be nice to spend it just he and I, but what would we do all day? Jason keeps saying we should start some kind of tradition, but his "ideas" are ridiculous and he doesn't mean them. I'm thinking of making us stockings, even though we both already have some from our parents, but this could be a new tradition. Plus, I need to sew.

I really want to see my family, haven't seen them since the wedding three months ago, and it's hitting me harder as each month goes by. Though I wish I was living in CA with my family and getting more opportunities to see them, I really like my job with FH. I do plan to head out in January for my sister's baby shower to which I will be driving. But I'm still excited to be there...

I Have a Purpose

2011-10-01T09:32:00.002-07:00

If you haven't read Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life, you should. It's not an amazing book, but definitely hits some key points that everyone can use or be reminded of.

This week has been amazing! A week ago, I found a posting for a job that just seemed to fill my spirit with so many emotions. After praying, crying, and talking with Jason about it, I applied and put it in God's hands. Literally five hours after I submitted the application, I got a call for an interview opportunity with them. Yes, I have experienced this before, but this was different! I could feel God working, and it was amazing to even just have the opportunity to interview. So Monday, 2pm was my slot with Food for the Hungry.

A friend of mine sent me an article about interviews and wedding rings. After reading it, I talked to Jason a bit about it. "So just wear your band." My engagement ring is pretty big, not my choice. I'm fairly simple, but Jason did the picking and that's what he felt I deserve. That morning, I took my engagement ring off, looked at my hand and realized, "If they judge me on what's on my hand, I don't want to work for them." So I left my rings on.

I get there, 20 minute drive down one highway, but I'm an hour early. So I sit and sit, read an magazine I brought with, and did my best to save gas but not over heat in the Phoenix heat. I was so nervous, my hands were shaking and I just kept talking to God. I finally decide to go inside, and I'm immediately greeted by two ladies (about my age or a little older). Next thing I know, I'm in a personal conversation with the "President of First Impressions" or the Receptionist. Sharing where we are from, me being only married for 2 weeks and moving to Phoenix. It was nice to just have someone willing to just talk and sort of make the whole thing a bit less formal. I never once felt awkward. Final, one of my potential interviewers comes and takes me back to the Director's office. As we were waiting for the Director, she asked me about myself, which after a few sentences I blurted out, "I'm really nervous." We both laughed, and she said she knows the feeling, she was in my situation a few years back, once again, taking the edge off a bit more. She shared a bit more about what the job is and the community of the whole organization.

Finally the Director comes in, and it's laughs and giggles, which just helped me more and more feel more comfortable. The interview went smoothly and actually was really enjoyable. It had to be the best interview I have ever had. I was really excited to be able to share my background including my faith. Some of the questions I gave interesting answers to, but at least I can say I answered them all honestly! I almost started to cry during it, when talking about the emotions and feelings I had when reading the post for the position.

I left the interview feeling so blessed. I didn't care at that point if I got the job. God just surrounded that place, and you could see and feel Him working within each person and as a whole.

Two days later, I had another interview with another company. Whole Body donations, being the front end/receptionist for them. Yes, I would probably have a hard time discussing with people about a passing or even the benefits of body donation for them financially. So I went in there and give it my best. I get home, lounge around, get another phone call for another prospective job. Then FH calls! "Can you come in tomorrow for a second interview? I know it's short notice." Once again, I felt God working and was amazed!

9:30am, I got there 40 minutes early this time, because Jason warned me about the horrible traffic, which I got there in 25 minutes. So I sat there, filling out a background consent form for the body donation company and talked to God. 9:15, I went in, talked to the receptionist again and two other people that happened to be hanging around. The second interview was mainly so that another person could ask any questions they felt were miss, and since they would be my prospective direct supervisor, they wanted to meet the candidates. Also, had to do a interview with HR. The HR interview I was sort of sweating bullets, but once again was just honest. Maybe it's because I am more of a in the background sort of person and meeting new people makes me nervous. "You should be getting a call back either today or tomorrow, but we are going to try for today."

OK! So I go home, try to eat, FAIL! I just was nervous. I'm one of three people, and they are going to be calling everyone on my reference sheet. What are they going to ask them? I hope that everyone was available to talk when they call. RING! "Hey Raylene, it's ****** from FH, I have a wrong number for one of your references." My heart sank, because I was hoping it was "the call." I quickly found my error and gave her the correct number, but once again my nerves got to me and I was just uneasy for the rest of the night. Next morning, I get a text from one of my references. "I did my best!" Right then and there my nerves were no longer an issue. Once again, I put it in God's hands and enjoyed my day with my husband.

1245pm, "We would like to offer you the position." I nearly screamed yes! I think they realized how happy I was! "Be for we move on, we need you to sign the offer letter and other paper work so that we can do our background check." So, Jason and I go and grab some celebration tacos and head down to FH for me to sign my papers. Once again, the receptionist greeted me and made me feel at home. The Director came next to greet me, "She got the job right? We're hiring her, that's why she's here?" came from the Receptionist. "No, I'm just here to sign thank you for interviewing papers." She looked sad, but the Director quickly asked her, "who did you say you wanted?" She said me! I guess I made a great impression on her like she did me. It made me feel amazing that I was wanted more than just for my skills, but for who I am!

Signed the papers, said goodbye and was told I would start a week from Monday! I'm so excited! I told my parents before posting it on Facebook, which it took a lot of self-control to not type "I got the job." I can't help but feel blessed! I thanked and continue to thank God for this. Without him I would have never found this position, never would have applied, and never would have felt confident during the interviews.

Even though this is an awesome thing, and Jason and I are going to go to dinner tonight and celebrate, I can't help but notice the hardships of those close to me. Accidents, illness, lost. These are my focus now. These are what my prayers are filled with today. I know God is working in these situations as well, and the out come is up to Him. I just pray for peace for these involved and that they are drawn closer to His loving arms.

Troubled Mind

2011-09-22T00:49:00.003-07:00

It's days like these that I need to print.

I went to bed hours ago, four to be exact, but didn't sleep a wink. I've been crazy all day it seems. Not, I've lost my mind, or I don't I have crossed that line. But simply having anxiety for the last 10 hours of my day. I tried blaming the coffee, the one cup I maybe have a day, but today that wasn't the true case of my funky day.

Phoenix is hot, monochromatic and (your pick). I was not my first choice, or my choice at all, in terms of a place to live. No, don't think I just settled because I got married. I have a purpose here, a God-given purpose, just not sure what that purpose entails exactly. So I'm praying, but mostly dealing with the situation in front of me. It could be worse. I could be homeless, rather than jobless. I could be addicted to drugs or a high school drop out, rather than educated and on the up and up. So why am I unemployable or at least feel that way?

I have a bachelor's, which now a days gets you what? Just above Hobo status, maybe. Depends on the amount of digging or fishing for scrap metal or "treasures." Get a second degree or a master's? Is that what I heard, my dear reader? A master's in my "emphasis" leaves me in the same condition, just more debt and more of a troubling mind. A master's in another area, then? That's a great question, do you have the answer as well? Don't get me wrong. I would not trade my exchange my "trade" for another career path. I am happy with my choice, and made my decision long ago, realizing it was not going to be easy after graduation.

My employment history is... how do you say? Interesting. Out of the few employment endeavor, none are really similar to one another. Nor does my resume (or cover letter) show what I am really made of. So meet with a manager, ok. Do a follow up phone call, ok. In the last two years I have had a total of two actual face-to-face interviews. If you count the skype interview, that's totaling to three. So why do I feel so discouraged? It's all good, right?

Interviewing, that's a joke. I interview so badly, and I have tried to practice with different people or in different ways and nothing! Most of my previous jobs I had a little network help. Either I knew someone personally or was somewhat related. Sucks for me now, cause I had it easy for the most part. "just be yourself" Have we met? I'm sort of a dork, a funny (to myself) kind of person. Not average at all.

But I am grateful that I do have faith in God. Without Him, I think I would be pretty darn worthless at this point. I'm in a pit, a deep one, but know that tomorrow is another day, and that God's Plans for me are coming. Just wished He would let me in on some of it, but it's all on His terms.

I'm also very grateful for the fact He gave me Jason. Without Jason, my faith wouldn't be what it is, or at least that's how I feel. We both have a hard time letting God handle things, but time and time again we give God the credit He deserves. Without God, we would have drowned in Austin, but our heads were always above water. Without God, we both would be two very different people and probably would not have known the love we have for one another.

I appologize for my blog post. I guess I just needed to get my frustrations out of my head and off my heart. I have applied to at least 20 jobs in the last three days, two of which says the hold process will take 8 weeks, at least. I really just need a job now, anything legal. I can't dance, I'm a Baptist. (tacky I know) So those of you who could, please pray for others like myself that need employment. There are two jobs that are really weighing in on my heart that I came across through our church's website, and I have just been praying that one of these is what God has instored for Jason and I.

Tied the Knot

2011-09-15T12:55:00.003-07:00

Last Saturday was an ending and a new beginning for Jason and I. The days leading up to the grand event was insane. The whole week is a blur!

I head to Flagstaff the Wednesday before, trying my best to get things in order before family arrived that night and the following morning. Spent a little time with my friends, figuring out my makeup(only did half my face), headed to Church for dinner and bible study and "family time" with those there. It was great to catch up and laugh with my church family. I miss them so much.

Thursday family started arriving, delayed flights and bad weather left me a little lonely Wednesday night, but it was rush, rush when my parents and eldest sister arrived. From there it was getting them checked-in, off to the Ma(ll), dinner with a LBC friend that drove up just for our wedding, and waiting for others to arrive, which wasn't until after 11pm. Jason didn't get into until that evening either.

Friday, was once again non-stop. Woke up, had breakfast with Jason, and headed to the church with my parents. It still seemed like we had plenty to do, especially with how much we packed into that little kitchen! I'm thankful for the fact that there were so many people able to help. Even two of our friends showed up to help with decorating the sanctuary. Then it was off to do errands, meet up with Jason's sister (roommate for the night) and then back to the church for rehearsal.

After rehearsal, which went smoothly thanks to my family's experience with weddings(this being the seventh one), it was a trip downtown with the girls! I had a blast and realized how much I missed them all and our good times together.

Saturday
8AM-Hair Appointment
So through the help of one of my bridesmaids, we got a stylist/hairdresser for doing five people's hair pre-wedding. We were told to be there at 8am, which three of us(including me) were 15 minutes late, but figured it wasn't going to be that bad. The Stylist arranged with me the 8am call time so that we would be at the church no later than 11am(12pm ceremony). So 15 minutes still gave us plenty of time to drive the maybe 5 minutes to the church and get dressed before the big shindig. WRONG!

Let me explain a bit more about the situation. I paid a nice amount of money, actually cheaper than a family friend charges for a bridal party, and I think I only got mediocre service. I'm no perfectionist, I mean, I did my own makeup with the help of my friends and new sister-in-law. But there is some things that are expected that I didn't think we received on this "purchase." The stylist brought in her co-owner/co-worker, which helped the call time be later. If they were not down for helping that morning, all five of us would've been at the salon at 530AM, so I am thankful they we willing! Also, I paid X amount of dollars to get up to six people's hair done, but there was only five of us, so I figured that would just be a nice extra tip for their pocket to be used towards whatever.

I was discouraged two weeks before this day, since the stylist told me that it would be at least an hour per person, which I thought was craziness! Our family friend recently did my little brother's wedding, which was the same amount of girls as mine (bride+4). She did five updo's in 30 minutes! I was reassured it was to give some extra time in case something had to be changed.

We arrived, and the two stylist started working. It was nice that they supplied some type of breakfast for us, which was nice. I tried to eat, but I think the fact that I realized I was getting married later, my nerves got the best of me. The first hour pasts, and they are still working on the first two people's hair. Finally at 10AM one of them finished and started on the next person. Meanwhile, the co-stylist is still working on his first person. I start to freak out, so I focus on my makeup, which I never wear. Jason's sister was a great help, even though she did hardly anything.

1045am, Co-stylist finishes with his first head of hair, and honestly he did barely anything. They styled her hair, looked it over, and decided it wasn't what they wanted. Not my bridesmaid, but the Co-stylist. So they started over. UGH! I tried my best to relax, but I was starting to sweat it a lot, especially since I didn't want to keep people waiting. Plus, I was hungry, and knew there was Bar-B-Q waiting for me! So Jason's sister is next, and they decide to do a French Twist (GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH). Easy Peasy, right? They curled her hair!?! Why would you curl it for a do that needs to be smooth?

11AM, I finally get my turn in the hot seat. At this point, I'm praying the Stylist just gets it done, but she needed a cigarette break! SERIOUSLY!?! I was promised if we were there at 8am that morning, we would be out of there by 11am. IT'S ELEVEN!
Co-stylist- What time are you guys suppose to be there(at the church)?
Me- Eleven.
Co-Stylist- What time is it now?
Me- Eleven

So they curl my hair, let them set, and I was finished before Jason's sister. Seriously, a French Twist is easy! Why is it taking that long to pin hair and curl wispies? So my hair & makeup is done, three of the four have makeup and hair, and I'm trying my best to wait so we all can go over together. Jason's sister gave me the ok to take off to the church, as long as someone stayed with her. I felt horrible, along with angry and nervous.
Co-Stylist- I'm just pinning right now, it will go fast.
Stylist- Yeah, that's the easy part of the twist, the pinning.
Sister- (Glare)

So three of us leave, get to church, and dress quickly. I feel like we are completely holding up the whole ceremony! I actually cried a little because of my frustration and feeling I had no control over the situation. Then the two others arrive. I give my gifts, help them get dressed, and we line up in the hallway. During this time I had no clock to look at, so I kept thinking the worst.

The music starts, and it hits me, this isn't rehearsal anymore. Maid #1 goes, then Maid #2, then #3, #4, and then my three year old niece. My Dad and I approach the doors, and I start to tear up. "I'm on my Dad's arm, this is real." The music starts, and we enter. "Oh, I have you on the wrong side," my Dad remarks. "So let's trade," and we did a do-si-do. I'm in near tears, but trying to hold my composer. My Dad's voice cracks as he announces he and my mother are giving me away. I loose it! Jason meets me, helps me up the stairs and to where the preacher is. Next thing I know we are saying "I Do" and then our vows. Next the presenting of rings, or wings in our case(family tradition/joke). Light the candle and then presented as Mr. & Mrs!

I barely remember key parts of that day, like how I even got in my dress. I'm so grateful for my family and friends that were there to share that moment with us. We didn't do some "traditional" or normal wedding things, but it still was an amazing day!

I'm also thankful for the Car Show that happened to be that weekend, and can hardly wait to see our pictures! Most of all we both are very happy that we got to spend time with our family that weekend, even if it was only for a few moments at a time.

So I'm married... Still can't completely believe it. Jason and I are still adjusting to the new titles we have for one another, and he's adjusting to his ring. I will try to post pictures on here, as an update to this one, or a new entry.

Less than 100

2011-06-10T02:36:00.002-07:00

And I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere close to being prepared for it at all. Roughly three months until Jason and I tie that knot, and I'm not even sure what we have been doing during this time. I'm trying hard not to stress out, because I know some things we won't be able to be sure of until later, but I can't help but think and feel that I'm behind some how.

My dress should be arriving soon, which I can hardly wait to put it on. I still need shoes and other things, but my dress will make my decisions a little more easier to make once I have it. Or at least I think it will. Jason has gone to look at tuxes, but nothing concrete that I know of as of late. I knows the style, but that's about it.

I'm getting the invitations done, all I need are the stamps at this point. They should be arriving tomorrow, if not Saturday. Then off the invitations go! Jason wanted to help with them, but due to time and me not getting out there until after the 20th, I sat down and did them. I was shocked that we are gonna get to save a bit of money on stamps, since they are lighter than most invites and within the size requirements for the standard rate.

I got back on track about working out, even started a new routine. First week I worked out five days, even though my goal was at least do cardio all seven days. Then week two started out strong, but come Tuesday I have a fever, sore throat and cough, which I'm still battling it seems. I am hardly ever sick like this, and this week I was suppose to be getting ready for a yard sale on Saturday. I just pray I wake up tomorrow feeling at 90% so I'm able to be more functional. Also, I want to get back into my routine!

I still am on the prowl for employment. After my last interview in Flagstaff, I'm a bit discouraged about looking there as an out-of-state applicant. Since then I have been applying to more jobs in the Phoenix area than even anywhere in California. I guess mostly because Jason is already there, and he's a little discouraged about the market and cost of living out here. Also, Phoenix is only 1.5-2 hours south of Flagstaff. We are both just looking to God to show us where we are to be. I may start being more serious about jobs here in California, I'm praying about one up North, not sure I should apply or not. But a job is a job, and this chick needs one!

I mostly started this blog entry because I cannot fall asleep at all it seems. For the last week I have been up until early morning, sometimes even dawn, for no reason. I mean I feel tired, I get into to bed and just lay there no longer tired. Or toss and turn all night and get maybe five hours. It's probably because I have been sick, but doesn't your body heal better when you actually sleep? In the past when I've been sick, I usually crash for hours, but this go around I'm bright eyed until morning. I still function for the most part like any other day, even with lack of sleep. I really hope I'm not starting go develop some horrible sleep pattern or disorder.

I should try to close my eyes...

The Jitters

2011-05-04T10:26:00.002-07:00

I have done my best, for the last two days at least, to not think about my interview tomorrow. I have even tried to keep myself busy by looking at wedding things and talking to my sister and bridesmaids. But now, I have done everything I needed to do, and can't help be get caught up with the thoughts of what to expect tomorrow.

Jason is going up there with me tomorrow, along with two of our friends. So it will be a full car, and hopefully that will help with my nerves.

Homesick and Nervous

2011-05-02T19:49:00.002-07:00

I have been visiting Phoenix for about two weeks now, and planned to head home tomorrow. The visit has allowed me to get some things done with Jason in regards to our wedding, but other than that I have sort of been up a creek without a paddle. By no means am I stranded, I have my truck and could go anywhere I wanted, just don't want to waste my expensive fuel or get lost in a place I have never really cared to explore.

My stay has been extended, and for good reasons, but I was looking to be home and feel more productive. This past Friday, I received an amazing phone call. I have an interview for a job up in Flagstaff this Thursday afternoon. I'm very excited for this opportunity and really want this. I need a job for one, but I've been longing to be back in Flagstaff for a long time. But I'm stressing about my performance. I haven't had a job in almost a year, and in that time I have only had one interview (February 2011) and I got burned. I'm not completely sure I have fully recovered from that.

I miss my home and my parents. I feel like I haven't seen them in forever, and I think it's because I was starting the "I'm leaving" set of mind when I got the phone call. I guess I sort of don't like "change of plans." I know it's for a great reason as to my departure has been postponed. I know if I get this position, I am going to be leaving for longer, actually relocating. Which I'm ok, I love Flagstaff, I know the city, and home isn't too far. So don't get me wrong, I understand it sounds a little contradicting, but moving is different than a visit.

So any prayers for this interview would be greatly appreciated. It's in God's hands, and I'm glad He is in control.

Retailer Wanted

2011-04-23T08:29:00.002-07:00

Seriously, just one little favor, and I totally won't bother you ever again. I'm trying to cut down on cost, mostly with the little details/decorations for our wedding by doing things myself or with the help of family members. One thing was using the pew decorations later as centerpieces at the reception, since I found a DIY on cute little baskets filled with Orchids. Well, with each bloom being at least 5 dollars, and maybe needing 5-7 blooms per basket, for about 16 pews (ever other one), that's way more than I wanna spend. All the florist were ok with me taking on the task, but were open to either doing them or selling me the sprays I would need. So my other option was artifical, which is fine by me as long as they look good.

My mom and I had looked at Michael's, but I wasn't serious enough then about purchasing anything at the time. Also, I just figured I would go online, find them for a screaming deal, and not have to worry about even going with a florist. The construction seemed easy, even though I may take another route in terms of container, and my sisters said they would definitely help. My little brother mentioned that in LA's flower district they also sell artificials, and that I should go look. Again, not being completely commited to anything yet, I have put it off. Well sort of, I was going to ask my mom if she wanted to go a few Mondays ago, but George was born. Which holding a baby and playing with Henry is better than walking around Downtown LA in my opinion.

So today, I've been doing my online research, mostly for Cymbidiums, but we are also using the Dendrobiums for the Maids/Groomsmen. I found a place that sells just the blooms if wanted, ONLY if you have already purchased their $400 dollar bridal package. They are even the Real/Natural/Fresh Touch or Floramatique type, which are latex of some kind or other material to give the more realistic look. One place I found basically would give me the best deal, but at the bottom it says they don't sell to the public. But I'm wondering if I could coax someone one, say my mom's hair dress/family friend into "purchasing" them for me. Or if it has to be an actual Floral Retailer. I'm just bummed, because everywhere else it seems they don't have them for the right price, or they aren't as nice or similar to what we are using in our floral attire.

Maybe simple really isn't simple

Consults and Insults

2011-04-22T21:18:00.002-07:00

Well not so much in terms of insults, just feel like we were taken on a long, bumpy ride.

In the last 24 hours, Jason and I have met with two on Thursday, and four today, and I'm completely spent. I never ever want to do that again. I understand, neither one of us is in town, so it's a trip to even meet with the pastor, but to have back to back appointments is too much. But we did learn a lot, especially in our last floral appointment. We mainly were just pricing out cost of things, to get an idea of what we could maybe do without, or at least of a better idea on what is normal. For the most part, we are waiting on those prices/estimates.

We do have our bridal party locked down, plus or minus ushers and one unconfirmed groomsmen, but at least I have my ladies! I'm so excited, and decided on a dress for them last night, so hopefully they get the chance soon to go and look/try it on. I'm hoping it's not too expensive, since anything wedding seems to add an extra $50+ to anything, even candles. I'm more excited about getting married now than I was when we set the date. Probably because things seem to be getting checked off our list, rather than be pushed around or just talked about.

We may have our florist locked in too, but want to wait to hear back from the others we talked to, just to seem fair. I was so grateful and flustered when our last floral appointment gave me bad news within the first 2 minutes. So everywhere we went prior to this appointment said nothing about "complicated" flowers do to Flagstaff's climate. I love Cymbidium Orchids, especially the green ones. My Grandma Lawson used to grow them, and remind me of her. Well, they are pricey little blooms. One florist priced them out at $15 per, another as low as $5 per bloom. So to cut back on cost I thought I would use Hydrangeas to give the fuller look of the bouquets for myself and my maids, but being quite cheaper for more surface area covered. I really liked the dome shape, but not being completely uniformed and having some type of alternating texture and focal points. So, trying to stay as consistent as possible to our first floral ideas, mainly as a control for pricing comparisons, I stated I was looking to use Cymbids and Hydrangeas for my bouquet, "Hydrangeas only last 30 minutes up here," said our last florist. I was shocked, because no one else had mentioned anything about that, and it didn't even cross my mind that would be an issue. I'm glad she said something, but it did make our visit a lot longer, we basically had to start over. She also went over and asked about things that no one else even tried to dance around. She asked about a toss bouquet, informed us that something we decided for our moms' was not appropriate for "ladies to wear" and basically pulled out half her store to help us visualize our estimate. Her honestly, knowledge and personal attention to us I think helped the consult no be so sterile and business like. We actually detoured a few times talking about traditions or past brides. She seemed relieved that we weren't too extreme about anything, like most bridezilla's and undecisive people she has dealt with in the past. I think this was the best consult we had, it was actually a fun experience. Even though the rest of the results are still waiting to be recorded, I'm pretty sure we may just end up working with her.

We went by church and met with the pastor about the ceremony and to touch base on counseling. He gave us sample vows that he has used before, including the ones he used for his daughter's wedding three years ago. We sort of skimmed them over, but definitely will look at them more seriously, and make some edits if we feel the need. We did talk a bit about the ceremony, which Jason and I have details to work out, and having the reception outside on the westside of the building, which will need some grounds work done, but Jason and I are willing to come help with that.

With the last two days, I feel stronger about moving up to Flagstaff, even if it's just for until after the wedding, though I hope and pray it would be longer. Definitely need to talk to certain people and make sure I'm not being too drastic, but the job market is so bad, I'm pretty sure my out-of-town/state status is a big negative sign to all employers there. Maybe if I go up there, I will have a better chance of getting a job. I just need to trust God more, and pray, and let others know I need prayer.

Ups and Downs...

2011-03-31T20:38:00.002-07:00

But at least I'm getting notice of my rejections. I have been looking, off and on for the moment, for employment, but have been unsuccessful. But I am grateful to be getting at least a letter stating that they selected another candidate. Yeah, I would rather have a job offer, or at least a phone call for interview. Especially since the last time I went out on a limb, I got burned and knocked down a bit. I drove 1000 miles round trip in a snow storm for an interview, just to spend two days in a stressful daze, just to be told "thank you for your time."

Also, the wedding planning is slow, and I really think it's mostly for the fact that I'm out-of-state from our venue. I know I have a lot of people willing to help, but do I really want that help? Even with doing the Save the Dates, which will be going out tomorrow, I was asked if I needed/wanted any help, and I turned it down. I wasn't complaining about doing them, I actually enjoyed doing it. Just put on some music or something on tv and just work away. I think I'm too stubborn and would rather do it on my own. But I'm realizing with the lack of progress, I may have to hand over some tasks. I just hope I find the right people to trust with these things. Most of them are fairly small.

Jason is trying his best to get his resume out and find a better job, even if it's not in Flagstaff. We are both praying for the right job to come along, and I'm pretty much willing to move anywhere, except Phoenix. Lame I know, especially since Jason is already there, but there is nothing appealing about Phoenix. But I may just have to suck it up and take whatever it is that happens, even if it's Phoenix.

Nip Tuck, While I Bike

2011-02-17T10:08:00.001-07:00

It's the easiest way for me to actually get a work out in. I already can sit in front of the TV for hours, mainly because I have done it before, and recently did might I add. So, so far I have worked out at least two days this week, even though I was shooting for five, but two is better than one or even none.

Yesterday, I had my first interview since October 2010. I applied for a position with Goodwill Industries of Northern Arizona Tuesday afternoon, and thirty minutes I get a phone call to set up an interview. Since the job is in Flagstaff, I felt a bit stressed out the last two days. Mainly because I was concerned about travel costs and when I would travel. I had already planned to be in Flagstaff a week from today, since I was going to go visit Jason next week in Peoria and head up for a few days. Well, with the need for an "interview" asap, I was debating on driving the seven hours to meet in person, which is costly and I would have to try to coordinate with a friend or two about possible sleeping arrangements (which I hate intruding). The other was to possibly take the train, rent a car, and head back immediately via the train as well. The train lacks showers, as well as my truck, so again I would have to make arrangements with a friend or two in town in regards to "freshening up" before the interview. Finally, do I just inform them that I will be there the following week and would gladly interview then, but maybe lose the opportunity and job itself? Lucky for me, God was there, and made yesterday happen.

The Director who called me on Tuesday offered up doing a Skype interview. Problem: I currently didn't own a webcam, but luckily for me, I have been looking to get one, just haven't. So after asking family if they owned one or their opinion on which ones are good quality, I bought one, tested it out with both Jason and my sister, Rhonda. Then I called the Director, "how about we do it in thirty minutes?" I agreed, but just made me more nervous than before. Jason prayed with me via skype, which was weird, but I'm grateful that he did.

The interview went well, started off a bit rocky, but towards the end, I felt strong about it. The Director was a bit concerned about the fact that I am 500 miles away at the moment, but I assured him I could just pack up and leave. Didn't really explain in to details that it would entail me basically living out of a duffel bag for a few weeks and couching it at friends house, but I basically would do anything to have a job right now. Even if the situation was that I got hired today and needed to start work tomorrow. I basically would be packing up and leaving at this moment to get out there.

He wants to do a face-to-face interview, which is fine, but is concerned that next Thursday maybe too late in the week, and having me drive out for an hour interview would be unfair to me. I reassured him that I am flexible, and realize that their is an immediate need to fill this position. So today I will find out about weather or not my interview will be earlier or later next week.

Telling Jason about the packing up and basically saying I would be willing to start the next day bums him out a lot. Next week would be the first time I have seen him since last month when I went out. So if I interview earlier in the week and end up working, there won't be the days we were planning to be together. He even got three days off, and a half day Thursday. He knows that this is important for the both of us, but can't help but be a bit upset. But if I get the job, he and I will only be a max 2 hours away from one another, rather than six or more.

Jason was recently offered a job with KNAU in Flagstaff, but it's strictly part-time, and only the weekends for little pay. Right now, he feels that he can't take it. It's not enough hours or pay to move him to the area, and commuting would not be worth it at all. But maybe something will come up soon for him that allows him to take it or another job. I know the job with KNAU would fit him perfectly, and he would enjoy doing it.

I'm so grateful that God made the situation where I could get an initial interview and it only costing me $30 dollars rather than $181+ food and such. If this is the job he wants for me, so be it, and He will make it happen. We shall see what he has in stored as I grow even more.

Seven Months, Tomorrow

2011-02-09T15:03:00.002-07:00

And boy do I feel behind. I guess I have been focusing on other things, or just flat out avoiding certain things on my check list.

Have I been working out, not consistently, but hopefully after Saturday that will change a bit. I am borrowing my brother's stationary bike, which I would rather ride a bike than ruin what's left of my knees on a treadmill. I have reduced my intake a bit, but not so much on my choices. Changing habits is so hard, especially with my current situation. At least on the bike, I can watch tv or a movie, which is what I usually do first thing in the morning anyway. So why not get my heart racing and earn some back up calories for when I go over for the day.

Also, even though I have been cutting back, I'm still over my limit of calories per day, but I'm pretty sure the program I am going off of is unhealthy, seeing how I'm 27, female, I should be eating more than 1330 per day. And soda is my biggest struggle right now, so I'm trying to drink water before I have a soda. But I have been eating around 2200, which I think is just fine for me, and I know it will go up once I get back into my rhythm of working out six days a week.

Our wedding plans haven't advanced very much. I have yet to go try on any dresses, though I sort of already know what I want, and may end up using a family source to get it made. I also have not picked my attendants, sad I know. Jason had his picked out probably before we even met, minus the fourth, which I guess I get to pick. I have been looking mostly online at dress styles, and may have narrowed down the three I get to pick, but still feel a little unsure about my choices. Maybe I'm just worried they will say no.

I think out of all the wedding stuff, we only have our ceremony/reception site settled, but there may be hiccups about the reception site. We haven't had time to go and discuss what we are allowed to do, but we did got walk the grounds a few weeks back to see what might work. Jason is concerned with the children that will be there, as if we need to have some sort of entertainment for them. He even suggested having his XBox and my Wii available for them to use, which I don't like the idea, especially if the reception is outside. Weddings are such hard work, and I have barely gotten started. I just want it to be over with, but not so much that I'm willing to elope (his family's only tradition).

I am so grateful for my family though. My Mom has been helpful, even with my complaints about disagreements or frustrations. I'm hoping to go look at dresses soon, and hopefully my sisters will be able to attend and give their suggestions. My Mom and I were out last week, and she suggested we look at bridesmaids gowns, and went to one shop, and maybe stayed 20 minutes, just looking. Then we drove to another one, and as we pulled in, I read one of the windows and it said "LDS Gowns." I said it out loud, and laughed. My Mom thought I was joking, but pointed it out just to clear any doubt she had. We decided we wouldn't go in. LOL!

I hope in the next few weeks to get some of this chaos done...

Here We Go Again...

2011-02-01T09:59:00.003-07:00

Around this time, two years ago, I was single, one my own and overweight, but in Five months I lost 20 lbs. Since then I have gotten back to where I started, just a few pounds shy of my original starting weight two years ago. I just need to get motivated again, and it was easier then since I was single and had a PE class twice a week. I also changed what I was eating, even though I went out to eat almost every night with my friends.

Now, I'm a relationship, living at home, and doing little to be active. Jason has lost 50lbs since May, and is still trying to lose more. So while I was out there, he and I would go walk Gracie every other night. And I don't mean just around the block, I mean like 2.5 miles minimum. Since I got back a week ago, I have maybe worked out via Wii once, and only for 20 minutes. I just find a lot of excuses as to why I can't or won't take the time to do it.

Also, I'm not buying the groceries anymore. Yes, my Mom has asked many times as to what I like to eat, which I share, but if she fixes dinner, I'll eat it. If there is something that seems to be more tasty I will eat it instead of other things I should be eating. I need a total reprogramming of my habits.

I assure you, this isn't just because I'm due to say 'I do" in seven months, this is because I need to feel healthy again. I really would like to run road races again, but can't in my current condition.

I guess I just sort of had a wake up call today, and realized I need to get my butt in gear. And do realize it's better with a buddy...

STRESS!

2011-01-18T10:42:00.002-07:00

Not so much by my own demise, but by those around me. It all relates to our wedding day, but they are small potatoes or things, I feel like, they should already know. UGH!!!! I don't expect my day to be this extravagant, black tie, coat check, formal event. Neither of us are that type of person, so why would we try to be for our day. We both just want to share that day with our Family and Friends, with little to no stress.

Wedding planning is going slow at the moment, mainly because Jason and I have some things to discuss still and figure out. I still need to talk to our ceremony/reception site about what is required or available to us; or if we need to seek other resources. It's a lot harder doing all this, in my opinion, since our venue isn't close to where we both are currently located. I'm glad that I do have people there willing to help out if needed, just haven't asked anyone yet.

My family is being supportive, especially just for stress relieving. My sister, Retah, let me barrow a book to read, The Christian Wedding Planner, which has some good points. I hope to finish it by this weekend. My main stress I guess is money. I don't know what to expect to pay for things, I guess this is when sisters are good to have.

Jason and I are still trying to find employment in Flagstaff, so far we both have had no luck. I'm hoping something comes through for Jason soon. He's beyond frustrated with his job in Phoenix; Actually almost quit today due to his supervisor. I need to do better about applying to jobs, but it just gets old constantly applying and submitting resumes.

I know God has a plan for the both of us, but now that we are getting married, it's more like us together. Jason is more concerned about the distance, which I understand, but that will change soon. I'm more concerned about finding a job in Flagstaff, and moving there.

I Said Yes!

2010-12-28T10:37:00.003-07:00

Jason asked me to marry him on the 23rd, at Santa Monica Pier, and I said yes. It still feels unreal, and even though the ring is on my finger, it still feels like pretend. It's a beautiful ring, and boy does it shine! I'm excited to start planning, which we have sort of been doing anyway, but now it's more a "lets get this done" feeling.

Both sides are excited as well. Jason's younger sister seems to be more excited than I am. "Ok, now start making babies!" I hope

We have a prospective date, for in Flagstaff, I just need to call and see if the venue is available and what we will be limited to if anything.

But before I can do anything else wedding wise, I need to get this sketch book done!

Sort of Know Where I'm Headed

2010-11-27T10:22:00.002-07:00

But not sure how I'm getting there yet. I've been too busy to look for Jobs in Flagstaff, and it seems I won't be slowing down until after the 5th, but that will only be for a week! But at least the semester is over.

I was suppose to register for classes on the 24th, but I'm unsure of weather or not I should. If I got at least half time, I can defer my loans, which would be awesome! But what if I get a job, in another state, and need to move? I sort of have a love hate relationship with the fact my life changes every three months or so. Probably why I hate planning so far ahead.

So Jason and I went to dinner with a mutual friend last night. I know she has struggled with understanding God and Salvation, which lately I have been feeling really conflicted to talk to people. I know the Holy Spirit is working in me. Well she told me she was going to get baptized soon, which I'm proud of her for wanting to do this. But there is always more to any story. I asked her why she felt she needed to get baptized, which I shared with her how I was saved at age 12, felt there was no reason to stand up in front of a huge church as I'm dunked in some pool, but when I was 21 I felt convicted that it was the next step in my life as a Christian. Her response as to why worries me, because no where in scripture does it say what she expressed. It does not wash your sins away, or your original sin as she thinks. Nor does it get you a pass into heaven as her somewhat future husband thinks and is sort of pushing it on her. I simply stated that I believe that it is a public profession of my Faith in Christ and that I will be leading my life as a Child of God. She doesn't want it to be public, which I understand, I don't like attention either. Jason and I talked about in the car as we drove back to his Dad's, and he said I did well in how I present my side. "You said 'I believe' not, 'Actually, the Bible says' or something of that manner that basically is telling them they are wrong, game over." For the past few years, I have noticed that about myself, I simply state, I believe. Not My denomination, or my religion, or my family believes, but that I truly believe. I guess that makes it more a of personal thing in the eyes of a non-believer, or those struggling with their beliefs. Another thing to add to my prayer request...

I have also realized recently, that no matter what, no one can change my faith. I feel pretty strong in that, even though I really can't quote scripture or other stereotypes that the world deems on Christians, and I feel that's because my faith/believes are that of my personal experiences and journey. I've been telling people, who try to challenge my faith "you won't change my mind, sorry." I know that it sounds boastful, but I'm proud of the fact that I don't question my faith in God/Christ. The only way I have been able to get to this point is through them, which also has allowed me to stand up for Christ in a lost world.

I leave tomorrow afternoon to head back to California... I'm not looking forward to that drive at all!

Going Back, God Willing

2010-11-11T09:56:00.002-07:00

I went to Flagstaff a few weeks ago to visit for homecoming and a long over due visit with family and friends there. Within the few hours I was there, I was sold. I am in the process of finding a job (without internet at the moment) up there so I can move back. I have been offered two potential jobs, but one I would be required to be a student once again, well take one credit. The other one I'm not sure about right now, but time will tell.

I went to Church while there, three times actually. Wednesday for dinner and helped set up for Trunk N Treat, church Sunday morning and back Sunday night for the event. I miss the feel of a church family. The Pastor and his wife were telling me how the children's ministry is growing and that they would need a teacher, paused and smiled at me. Haha! Well we will see what God does.

Jason and I got to hang out while we both were there. We talked a lot about the failure of our relationship and Jason put a lot of blame on himself. "I wasn't the Man you needed me to be." Which is mostly right, but we are talking and actually on the phone everyday and texting throughout the day. I can't help but have deep feeling for him because they were there before, but he is different. He too had the same sensation I did once getting back to Flag, so he's trying to move back as well.

So I haven't had Internet at home for about 4 weeks now, which sucks because my phone is limited as to was I can do. But if it is God's will it will happen.

For the First Time

2010-09-20T15:23:00.002-07:00

Today, mainly do to fairly recent events in my life, I have decided to fast... Christ has commanded us to do this, and I have never done it. I have thought about it, but never fully went through with it. I woke up this morning and decided that I would start today. I am unsure as to how long I will fast, hopefully enough to get answers or insight as into my path. I have also started to read the Psalms. I think the worst part about it isn't the food, yes, I am hungry and only have allowed myself some water. I can't help but feel that I'm out in a snow storm. my hands feel like ice, and though it is fall, it is technically not warm clothes weather... I pray that God gives me strength during this time and enough energy to keep up with my responsibilities.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2010-09-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

I really doubt anyone reads this thing. But yet I still fill the screen with ramblings.

In the last week or so my life has changed quite a bit. A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend, decided I needed to focus on other things, and get a job so I can move and have a place of my own, thus becoming a true grown up once again. So far the job searching has been a dead end, but I'm staying optimistic by looking at future housing for myself and dreaming of silly things. I will continue to apply and send out my resume in hopes to find something that will get me somewhere. I am mainly looking here in Long Beach, but going to open up the possibility of moving back to Flagstaff. I loved it there and could see myself living there for the rest of my life, but income in these times and in a town that always had low employment rates, it seem near impossible. Long Beach and neighboring cities wouldn't be so bad, I would be close to my parents and such, I just hope I find something to fill my pockets enough to have a decent roof over my head.

Vacation= Doing Very Little

2010-09-03T14:07:00.001-07:00

I rode the train down to San Diego Wednesday night to get some quality time with my siblings and a bit of a break. With Monday being a holiday and having class only on Mondays/Wednesdays I southside for a whole week. So far day one was full of rushing Brian to work, shopping, lunch, office tour, and more shopping and jamba juice. Did you know they do happy hour at jamba juice, free upgrade to power size. I ended up making that my dinner. Waking up this morning, after trying to sleep in, I can't help but feel exhausted. Maybe I slept too long, or just my body isn't used to the rush rush we had yesterday. I had fun nonetheless. I have done very little today, mainly waiting for my sister to arrive home. Watched a DVD, did some dishes, and played with the quail.

I guess all I can do is try to relax and enjoy it.

Ceramics... for now

2010-08-22T18:30:00.002-07:00

Last week I started classes. So far I am only in a ceramics class, but I will use it for potential Christmas gifts and hopeful profits. I have know the instructor for almost ten years, and he his more than happy to see me and have me around. I'm ok just taking ceramics right now, but he's letting me get away with murder basically. "You can do whatever you want." He wants me to do my best to work something out with the Printmaking instructor, since I said I was planning to apply to grad school, but I'm not so sure once again. The facilities are horrible in the print shop, mainly because the shop aide has been away and hardly anyone seems to care for neatness, and it's smaller than my room. The Printmaking teacher seems cool, her work is very modern and nontraditional, which is fine and may be more help in my own work, but she can't add me right now. She teaches all three printing classes at once, thus she can only have a total of 20 students. If I do get added, I will be limited on what I can do, even when it comes to intaglio. I need to stop complaining and get some work done...

As for Grad School. Once again I'm thinking it's a no go. Yes, I would have to apply for Fall 2012 now, since I have done absolutely nothing, which is ok with me, but what is making me think that Grad School isn't going to happen is because I constantly am focusing on the negatives: At least 3 years of just School, more loans, after Graduating having to bounce around trying to find a job at a college/university (which only guarantees part-time and a semester), also, I would like to start a family soon, and school isn't ideal with that in mind. Yes, it seems selfish, but I also told someone I probably would drop my career, whatever it is, if my family needed me, priorities first.

I still haven't gotten off my butt and found a church to attend out here. I am being lazy and giving excuses of being too busy or having things to do, which in most cases it's true, but I'm sacrificing fellowship for work.

I'm going to try to post more on here, hopefully I don't crash and burn again.

My God, My God, Why Am I Avoiding You?

2010-07-21T20:58:00.002-07:00

I'm not a total slacker, He and I talk everyday, but I am lacking in the following department. Kind of like how I've avoided exercising this week, even though I tell myself I need to and want to, but I make excuses. "oh I have to do this and that; Wow, where did the day go?" And I know that's not how it should be. I need to be more disciplined with my walk and relationship with God, and that should be first. I have weeded out my habits of reading, even for pleasure simply because "I'm Busy."

Even now I could be reading/studying/having one-on-one time...or riding the bike.

Job-less and Not Looking

2010-07-14T19:43:00.002-07:00

I really thought my life would be a whole lot different than it currently is. I'm a 26 years old, unmarried female with no kids. When I was eighteen I thought I was set, two years later that changed, just grew different directions, for the better for obvious reasons. There were others that seemed to fit the bill, just a bit of fine tuning was needed, but never addressed. I know God has a plan for me, because I have detoured so many times and returned to a recognizable path. That path is usually filled with Single-ness, which just gives me more time to focus on my walk and family stuff, which is great, but I'm totally going through the whole Maternal Clock phase, which makes me just feel selfish and materialistic.

I really don't like this point in my life. I have no job and don't really care to have one at the moment. Maybe because I dreamed of being in my child raising years now, but I have responsibilities and being unemployed doesn't help me be responsible. I really just want to be a bum or house wife, which ever one come first.

I am grateful for the fact that I am surrounded by love ones and have been busy with my California family ever since I returned home. And usually there is a "but" right now, I'm trying to change my ways...

Is it worth it...

2010-07-09T21:36:00.002-07:00

Blogging... Someone asked me tonight if I was blogging at the moment, which I was not, but made me realize that I haven't been on here in a long time. Which also caused me to realize that if I'm not using it, should I lose it?

I have people in my outer circle that blog just about everyday, and I enjoy reading most of their entries, but for the most part I just skim. Don't get me wrong, the internet is very addicting, and I lose a lot of time just reading or talking to people... I really need to do something else with my time.

But is this blog worth keeping?

CANCELLED

2010-06-20T13:40:00.003-07:00

Yesterday, I decided that getting on a train for Flagstaff tonight and spending a whole week there would not be a good choice right now. There is a Fire actually in town, and the wind is not helping. Also, something came up that makes me feel even more like God is telling me right now is not the time to visit. So I will pick up my tickets, and use them for a future date... Just sucks, but God wants me here for now, rather than away.

Excited Travels

2010-06-17T20:47:00.002-07:00

I'm heading to Flagstaff Sunday, and I'm super excited. I'm missed my mountain town, can't believe it's been almost a year. I'm just concerned about staying the whole week. I want to go to Church and Wednesday Night Dinner/Bible study to see people from FSBC Flagstaff. Other than that, I have no set plans, which is a good thing. I'm worried I will run out of things to do, since most of the people I know will be working, or out of town. Regardless, I can't help but be uber excited.

Since being home, I've been a lot busier than I thought I would be. I'm still home alone most of the time, but I've been visiting with family, or working on projects for my parents. As of now, I am practically booked for non-home stuff for the next three weeks. I really thought it would be worse moving home. It does have its downsides and some things do really piss me off, but I'm glad I came home. Just not sure how long I'll be "home."

Hulu is my drug of choice right now. I've discovered a PBS series call Empires, and it's done fairly well. I have had a few disagreements with some things, but I love history. Plus, I can put Empires on while I'm working on something, cause it's more narration than actual acting. My nerdiness is coming out in someways...

I Made It...

2010-06-09T20:28:00.002-07:00

Over three weeks ago.

I haven't found a job yet, but I haven't really been looking. Since I got home, I've been doing chores and such around the house for my busy parents. Also, it's sort of nice not having a job right now, but I will need one.

I haven't look at classes at all for the Fall semester, I really should get on that...BLAH

Ready, But...

2010-05-18T10:55:00.002-07:00

I am completely packed, even to the point I'm living out of a duffel bag for the week. Thorough? Just a bit. But Jason has only packed two boxes. Most of the stuff in the house is his and a lot of my stuff remained in boxes since November. He says he's good at packing last minute and his Dad will be here tonight to help with final packing stuff, but he has more than just packing to do. I'm just worried about when we are leaving, since Friday will be a long day with just loading the truck. I can pretty much pack my truck bed, and plan to, on Thursday, so it's done and out of the way. Just pray for my patience with this.

I'm ready for this trip to be over and it hasn't even started. It's going to be a long drive, too long of a drive for me driving alone. We are staying the night somewhere Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad, except Saturday is a 16+ hour drive. I drove straight through when I came out to Austin, which wasn't smart, but it only took 25 hours or so. Now being stretched across three straight days, that's a lot of time in my truck.

Sorry, I just needed to vent I guess...

2010-04-29T06:23:00.002-07:00

I've been trying to look for employment, but I find myself looking for Jason more than myself. He thinks that he's not qualified for some of the ones I have forwarded to him, which I just think he's under estimating himself. One of the jobs I found was with JPL in Pasadena, California, his first gripe, "I don't want to live in Pasadena." just because the job is there, doesn't mean you have to live there. The job is with Television Broadcasting and I think he fits the discription perfectly. He really, really wants to quit Sears and be done with them. It's now a daily topic, and I think he may go through with it. I just hope he gets is resume and letters out and will at least have some hope for something new in the near future.

I almost want to give up the whole finding a job and just go back to school full-time, but I would just be doing undergrad stuff once again that won't count for anything except personal advancement. I've been trying to find class schedules for the two community colleges by my parents house, but they do not have their fall schedule posted online. Reasons I would go back full-time rather than part-time: If I can get financal aide and can defer student loans.

I'm looking mostly at CSULB and CSUN for grad school. I'm also looking at a school in Oakland and possibly Portland, Oregon. Not sure which is the better, but it's good to have options, right?

25 and Counting...

2010-04-27T12:30:00.003-07:00

Everyone at church on Sunday were sad to hear we are actually leaving, but besides the whole leaving part, most asked about Jason and I. "Are you going to do the long distance thing?" seemed to be the main question. I could only answer with an "I don't know?" I think it was mostly because I didn't want to cry in front of people, or go into a lot of detail. I've done the long distance before, but that was only for a few months, this is an unknown amount of time that we will be away from one another. Jason is already trying it seems to make plans for visits, which are all waiting on unknown variables.

Jason still doesn't have a job in Phoenix, and would like to NOT have to transfer through Sears. He has discussed the possibility of just quiting and moving back and seeing what God does. He knows God provides and has been providing for us in every way, but Jason's really tired of working for this company, and has been screwed over repeatedly. But he does also realize he has responsibilities, and has to be realistic.

I have no job, I might have a Summer job, but that hasn't been discussed very much. I've been focusing more on taking classes in the Fall at the community colleges by my house. Even got in touch with one of my former instructors from Cerritos. I hope it works out, I should really do a FASFA.

Even Sooner

2010-04-24T07:26:00.003-07:00

We upped our moving date a whole week. The fact that we were going to be moving over Memorial Day weekend would have been more expensive than going before or after. So to avoid vacation traffic and holiday gas hikes, we are leaving Austin, Texas on May 22nd. I originally thought I would have to leave some of my stuff in Pheonix and make a trip back to get it all, but the cost of the moving truck is less than half if we drop it off in Long Beach rather than Pheonix. Sort of bums me out a bit, mostly because I most likely won't get to visit Flagstaff like I wanted, but I'll try for in June. Also, it means saying goodbye to Jason at the airport.

I've been very emotional during this whole week, cried for three days, just because everything is being finalized and reality is setting in. Jason and I will be six hours away from one another, but visiting will be near impossible due to the fact I will not have a source of income once I get home and Jason still hasn't heard anything from potiental jobs in Pheonix. And the cost of seeing one another is like an added payment in our life of student loans and bills. He eventually wants to get out to California, since the film industry is based on the West Coast. I didn't know it was going to be like this, and if I did, I would probably be in Flagstaff this whole time. Shoulda, couldas.

A few days ago, I had a breaking point. With the constant knowledge that my degree only gives me hope of unemployment, I am going back to school to get my MFA. I have always desired to work on a college level, even when I was studying Kinesiology. There are jobs all over the Nation to teach studio art classes at colleges and universities, and I have found a bunch for Printmaking. I thought coming out to Austin I could get into the industry and eventually get into UT Austin's MFA program. But the economy caused the most hiccups in my plan to do so. So once I get back to Long Beach I'm going back to school. Audit some studio classes (drawing, printmaking and maybe some Graphic Design), and get my act and portfolio together. No more excuses about more debt, cause without MFA, I will just continue to be in debt. Hopefully I can defer my loans while taking some lower level art classes. I just need studio space really, and motivation.

So lately, people from High School, mostly former teammates, have been adding me as their friends on Facebook. One person recently added was one of my former coaches. I knew him before I even attended high school since my older sister ran under his coaching as well, which caused some problems for me through all four years of high school. I actually had somewhat of a falling out with him my Senior year, when I was actually kicked off the Cross Country team. Well yesterday he contacts me, asking where I was working, and to call him when I get back, all via instant messaging. I was really confused, as if he needed something from me, which upon asking, he said no. I'm not looking to have a reunion with people from high school. All the people that I cared to keep a relationship with after high I have done so until either bridges were gated off or contact was simply lost. I really have only kept in contact with my friend Paul Sudduth, in more than a "hey we know each other" friendship. Plus, most of the people that are or would be connected to this coach, are people who turned their backs on me for the most part, some even lied to get me introuble, so why would I want to hang out or see there people? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they are well and seeking friendship of some kind, but it's not high school anymore. We shall see what happens next.

Only four more weeks...

Correction

2010-04-06T14:34:00.003-07:00

So now, as of this morning, Jason and I will be leaving Texas as of May 29th. So I have about two months to find a job and place to move to. I'm sort of happy about leaving as soon as possible, though we will be required to pay June's Rent. At this point I'm willing to take a hit to just get out of this town.

Clarification

2010-04-05T09:05:00.002-07:00

The other day, even before I left the house for work, Jason calls me upset. Well, more than just upset. In the last few weeks, his hours got cut, so he's no longer full-time, and business has been really slow. He went into work that day, to find out that people are taking his ticket, thus the money that he worked to get, is being given to someone else. It's easy to do, since all they have to do is ring it up as their sale, even if Jason is the one that did.

Also, he has discovered that we have been kind of swindled by our landlords. Other houses in our area are price much lower than what we have been paying, and a lot of them are much nicer looking homes. So that has kind of put him over the edge, since it seems like we haven't been getting any breaks out here.

He was so mad and angry, he is really thinking about putting in his two weeks. But he did state he wants out of Texas on June 19th. Our lease is up as of June 30th, and the house is suppose to be on the market now, which it isn't, which just adds to Jason's frustration.

I want to quit my job too, it's not worth it, and I'm loosing respect for my supervisors. I asked a simple question, but get a lengthy response which doesn't answer anything, only causing me to be more confused. This job is ridiculous in how they expect us to do these things, but they don't even communicate. I really feel like I could do a better job than they do, but then again, I only know a bit about what it is they do.

I do plan on being home in early June for my cousin's California wedding reception, I'll be putting in my request this week for those days. Too bad it won't be sooner.

Looks like...

2010-04-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

June 19th I'll be heading back.

Rambles; More Like Grumbles

2010-04-02T07:23:00.002-07:00

I realize that I've been blogging mostly my complaints on here. Who would want to read that, at least not every entry. So I'm doing my best to no complain, because things are not as bad as my blog precieves.

My order came the other day, and my excitement has yet to disapate. Though I'm still in need of a few key items before I can do my first print, I'm on cloud nine still. Still need hinge clamps, a board, and screen filler. There are a few other things, but can get by without them for the time being. Eventually, I'll have a full functioning shop. I was really impressed with the quailty of my screen, and definitely will order from this company again, especially since it only took two days for everything to arrive, and shipping was FREE! Sadly, they are geared more towards commerical printing, but just means I have to go somewhere else for the rest, which isn't a big deal for me. I'll definitely will post my first edition once I get it pulled. I know I will have hiccups, since it's been so long since I even did serigraphy. I think it's been two years...

Getting Closer, But Still Lost

2010-03-25T07:09:00.002-07:00

I haven't printed in almost two years. I feel ashamed to say that, since I worked so hard to get my degree and spent so many hours in the shop working and laughing with those around me. When you lose you resources it really hurts you, not just physically. I haven't forgotten anything, the same is with what I learned while studying kinesiology, but not using it is going to only cause atrophy on my skills and craftsmanship. Once again I find myself doing research on supplies, presses, and even studios in town where I can pay a fee and rent the facility for a few hours to pull some intaglios or reliefs. But that's all it is, and has been for the past six months, research.

I really would like to get back to doing intaglios, but the cost of that is way more than I can currently invest into a press and supplies, plus I have no room to setup a hazardous free shop. Nitric Acid in a room with little to no air flow or accessable wash station is not a good mix. I can afford to start screen printing, well a very small layout. I'm still debating on getting CS4 or another Creative Suite. So far in supplies it will be under $400, but $200 of that is ink alone. One gallon of screen printing ink is $50, and I'm just getting RBYWh because I'll be doing a lot of mixing. I hope I am really sure about this. I will be making this big step this weekend, unless something else comes up and my money is used elsewhere.

I'm still trying to figure out what's next. Our lease is up in June, though we are wanting out sooner, I think it's just smarter to stay til then. Jason isn't sure he can stay that long. His hours have been cut back, and niether one of us have found a better job, let alone a second one. I'm still trying to just leave things up to God, but trying to do my part as well. I'm still trying to figure out my final destination for that time. No jobs in all the places I am looking really doesn't help the process, plus being in another state doesn't look too appealing to employers.

Home seems like a good plan...but I don't want to be a mooch.

Insert Desired Title Here

2010-03-23T09:32:00.003-07:00

I don't know how to even start this entry. I'm not myself at this present moment of my life. Decisions are needed once again, but only have answers have been given, or I'm just not seeing it completely...

I really just need to buckle down, and print... Oh Bill, how I miss thee!

Realizations

2010-02-13T10:05:00.002-07:00

Last night, Jason and I went with our Sunday School class to celebrate Chinese New Year. Apparently, it's something they do every year, or at least they did it last year. Most of them go to the resturant we ate at quite frequently. They even asked for a certian server who verified my thoughts of members of the class being regulars. It was fun. I laughed a lot, mostly because of Jason and our friend Matt were being really silly. It didn't help that I was sitting between them. Also, I realize I laugh more in unfamiliar situations and unknowns. I'm very shy and to myself, espeically in large, new groups. This is the first time we have gone out with the Bridges class. We went to Viva Chocolata fir desert, everyone tried to get me to sit down. Today I realize I would rather stand, for an easy exit from situations. Again, this is just in new situations or with new people.

Jason and I have been attending this church and class for a few months now and I realize that though they are a friendly group, none have really ventured to get to know Jason and I until recently. I mean, we haven't gone to after church lunch ever cause of Jason's football plans or errands we had planned to do, so it's not entirely them. Sort of the same thing happened in Flagstaff. Jason's last visit to Greenlaw, there where people I never ever talked to who were suddenly interested in my life to the extreme.

Many of them have stated to us, the Bridge class, that they hope we don't move. It would be nice to stay, but things are just getting worse financially. If money wasn't the big factor in our situation, it could have worked. Jason even brought up the fact that he applied to many pizza places to be a delivery guy, and none have called him back at all. "I'm over quialified to deliver pizzas."

I'm hoping that I can work out my budget so that it doesn't drive me insane.

Just Fell Deeper

2010-02-12T07:23:00.003-07:00

At least I know there is a way out. I can't help but look at what I had almost a year ago, wow it's been that long! I thought I was set, at least heading into the next nine months of my life, though still not really working in my degree field, but doing something I enjoyed very much. I had family close to me, an awesome Church Family, and great friends. If I had stayed would I be struggling like I am now? Yes, I feel a great regret in my choice to move to Austin, but that regret only came to me in the recent months. I wanted a new adventure and felt that it was my chance to go, but did I move too soon or was I meant to just stay put? I won't know until later, but in the now I feel I disobeyed God. Jason feels the same way, but takes it a step further than myself. I know we humans have been given the freedom to choose our direction, even if it's not the direction God wants, it leads us there anyway. We just end up going the longer way sometimes.

Saturday night I'm going to setup my Etsy site and post my artwork up. I have to figure out shipping of some items and pricing, but then I'll be set to go. Will I make any money? That depends. I know that some of my compositions can be viewed as pornographic since it includes nudes, and others will be viewed as just crafty crap. I'm trying to be somewhat selective as to what I post, but I'm unsure what audience I'm looking to attract. I haven't decided if I want to sell my show pieces yet. Maybe I'll just keep the framed ones, though I want to give one to a family member. I'll post my Etsy link on here when I get it going. I'm thinking of naming it Printing Naked, not because of the nudes which I probably won't sell, but because I enjoy the more traditional ways of printmaking. More sweat and laborious, but I feel I get better results. Plus, inkjet print offs are not prints in my opinion, along with other wanna-be's the sneak in to Printmaking. It also from a joke in my figure drawing class.

I have been reading Philp Yancey's "Rumors of Another World" that Jason got me for Christmas. The church we attend here in Austin seems to really like his work, since then send some of his literature to new vistors. This book kind of reads like C.S. Lewis' works. To the point, yet sort of mysterious. I'm hoping to finish it this week, then I'll do a complete report on it. I've been thinking of reading Purpose Driven Life again. I read it a year ago, straight through, though it's a 40 day devontional. It's an ok book. Has great points and insight, and helped me with a family issue along with other things in my life. I gave my original copy to Jason's dad back in November since he just became a Christian and I thought it would help with some of his questions. Well Jason bought it for me for Christmas, he actually accidently bought two copies. "I kept seeing it and thinking, that looks familiar, I should get it." A week ago we found out why he bought two. We meet up for dinner with a friend from church, short notice. It was go to go out and share intimately with someone other than Jason about being a Christian, I forgot how that felt. But he's sort of struggling with direction like we are. I mentioned the Rick Warren book, and laughing about Jason's double purchase. "I have it in the trunk of my car right now, if you want it?" Our friend hasnt started it yet, "It's on my coffee table to remind me." Lately, like I said, I've been thinking of taking it up again. I brought up to Jason that maybe we do the study with our friend. Studies always seem better when you're able to discuss them with someone else.

I Hate Money

2010-02-10T08:48:00.002-07:00

I think mostly because I have re-done my budget to adjust to the loss of roommates at the end of this month and having to split the whole housing cost with just Jason, gives me no money to use towards anything "fun" for myself. I guess this just shows I need to sell my stuff for real this time, I mean my art. I have mostly prints, duh, but I have some jewelry stuff too, I guess I thought I could go back to it. Who knows, maybe I will. But pricing has always been my hiccup. I know how much time I put into every piece I have done, some more than others and it shows. I was told, about my show pieces, how much is the complete edition worth and then divide by how many are in the edition, but when I do that they come out too expensive, or so my friends say. But like me, they are also struggling. My mind keeps going to the desire to have my own shop with endless possiblities of producing work, but it has to start somewhere, right? My dreams of building my screen press will have to wait until I get a little more in my pocket, so a single table/board with hinges press will have to get me by for now. I just hope it doesn't break the bank. Ink is going to be the expensive part, mostly because I already have paper.

So my hopes of going home at the end of this month have been flushed. I need truck tires, plane tickets went up, and I don't have enough leave time to stay like I wanted. March may be better, but that depends on if we end up moving then or not. My cousin is getting married at the end of March and my nephews first birthday is near the beginning of March. My truck tires will be less than a plan ticket home, and I can't wait any longer to get them, they are practically bald. I'm glad I only need two and I'm getting at least 10% off of them because of some Sears promo and Jason's employee discount.

Hopefully by next week I'll have my taxes done. What I get back is already allocated to the move, which sucks, but I'm glad to have it.

Well my phone battery is almost dead...

Already Backing Out

2010-02-05T07:43:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, I didn't go to the Gym. I flakes cause of the weather was crazy, traffic was insane, and I ended up taking a completely different way home, which seemed faster, but took me through downtown. I think I just need the make Sunday my start day. Maybe go before church, or after.

I also didn't read my bible last night, but did the morning before going to work. Maybe that should be my routine, since I usually have about 20 mintues to spare before work. I think I'll have more success in making it a part of my life than just a task.

Though Jason and I got some kind of answer in regards to moving, but I'm sure if it's right. Lately, as I have shared with Jason, feel that we might just stay through June. I mean, if the landlords can't fill the place until then for whatever reason, we are stuck here. I'm now wondering if we should just continue to plan for June and just dismiss the fact of possibly leaving in a month and a half? It actually will work out fr the better cause then there is a set date, no guessing. We can schedule a truck and needed plane tickets for those we need to help with the whole traveling West. I know that I don't like planning that far in advance, but it almost seems smarter.

Starting All Over Again

2010-02-04T07:33:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I decide that I need to get back on track. Not just with my studying of God's Word, which I have posted a note next to my alarm clock to remind me to read my bible at least for 15 mintues Everyday, but with my fitness. I've been putting off the gym for over three months it seems. At first it was because I was working 70+ hours a week between two jobs, so I didn't have time to go. And as of December I just made excuses. So far in 2010, I have gone once. Stupid I know, cause I've basically thrown money away for the last three months. Well, starting tonight after work, I am going to the gym before home. It's on the way anyway. But I've been waking up at 5:30 every morning, which is making me think I should maybe go then and shower at the gym. We will see how this week goes.

I'm also counting calories again. I know I'm not fat, but I am overweight. About 25 lbs according to the BMI for my height and weight, which even when I was athletic in high school, I weighed only ten pounds less than I do now. Yeah yeah, I probably has more dense muscle then to make me heavier, but the BMI seems unhealthy. I'm hoping I can get healthy enough to start running again, then calorie counting shouldn't matter, or at least it didn't when I was running 50+ miles a week.

I also have realized I need to make plans/goals, realistic ones. I'm still going to shoot for the Long Beach Half Marathon in October, regardless of where I will be living. But I need to make some smaller ones leading up to that one. I know that maybe some 5K, 10k races should be included leading up to October.

Jason just called me. We are going to go see "that one guy" Saturday night. "Don't say I don't take you anywhere." Actually, we rarely go anywhere because of money and stressful work days. Crap! That cuts into my workout! I'll figure it out, I guess.

Still in Limbo

2010-02-03T08:06:00.002-07:00

But at least we go half an answer. Jason and I asked out landlords about three weeks ago if there was anyway they could let us out of the lease as early as the end of March, since things have been a constant struggle since we moved out here. Sunday night we got a half answer, but at least it's somthing. They are going to re-list the house for rent with a April 1st availability, but until it's filled we are still responsable for the rent. We can afford maybe two months just he and I spliting the whole cost, which leaves little to no room for saving to move. Plus, there is no definite date as to when we will leave, so we can't book the needed truck and plane tickets for propective people to help us drive three vehicles. Also, we are wondering if we should just continue to live there and find a roommate for the remaining months, even though God constantly is showing us that we both need to go back West. More to pray about and let God just handle the details.

I still am unsure of as to where I'm going. Jason and I have talked a few times about it, always briefly. If I move to California, he's not sure how it would work cause we both need to knock our debt and student loans down, so spending 300 extra a month to visit each other seems pretty impossible. He sort of upset me last night cause I was reading an article from NAU about how Spike Lee came and spoke there last week, and I was talking about it, cause it was kind of negative towards my previous job there. "You just can't let that job go, can you?" Yes, I really enjoyed that job and the people I worked with, but I wouldn't move back there to work at SUN my whole life, and I couldn't anyway. It's a student position, so I would have to pay for a class to go back. I am not sure I can explain my love for Flagstaff really. I guess it's like the feeling I always had when I spent tine with my Grandpa and Grandma Lawson. There was always an adventure and exciting things where ever we went, even if it was just to their house, which really just felt like an extention of Home. I have family there, though they are blood, but in His blood we are. Just took me four years to find them, mostly my fault and procrastination.

Jason doesn't want to move back to PHX, so hopefully it's just for a short time. He's looking in Flagstaff as well, but may already have a job waiting for him in PHX doing construction again. I've been looking in Flagstaff, PHX, the LA area and Orange county. Mostly trying to find something with Printmaking/Art, but I should maybe look into Event Production and office stuff. There was a company I worked with for a concert that is based in PHX that told me to look them up if I was there. But the head guy was a big jerk, and his crew treated us like idiots. Hopefully the job search will show what's next.

I was trying to plan a mini vacation home in March, cause I really need a break from here, but I don't think I have enough vacation time to even come out for four days. Since I just completed my 90 days my vacation and holiday pay hasn't gone on my pay stub, but should be on the next one.

Jason and have started making a list of places to go before leaving Texas. Like places to eat in town, going to Dublin or the Dr Pepper Museum and going either to Dallas or Houston for a day or so. We haven't had a lot ove extra money to just go take mini vacations like we used to do in Arizona, so I hope we will be able to do at least some of them. I'm not so sure I'm down for the waterpark, I hate wearing a bathing suit.

I'm lost...

2010-01-11T18:07:00.003-07:00

I don't know how else to say it, except that I feel completely lost on what I'm suppose to do in life. I feel so stuck without any kind of light or direction. Before moving out here, I sort of had a plan for myself, though I wasn't sure about a lot of it, I was still hopefully and excited for the chance and change in my life. But now it just feels like regret and emptiness. Yes, the way the world is economically and such is a major effect on those "plans" and have me just wanting to surrender and head back with my tail between my legs, but nothing else. No insight or plan for my future, except to leave Texas. I just don't belong here...

Our Sunday School class was going over how to be joyful in all things, which to this world makes no sense at all. How can one be joyful when there is so much going wrong every second of the day? We, Christians, are commanded to Rejoice in all things and give Him (God) praise for all things. So I'm struggling with the joy/rejoicing part. My life has flipped upside down, and spun out of control on more than one occasion, and I'm suppose to find joy in that? Find joy in the fact that I basically spend all my time at home in my room, to avoid the annoyance that has consumed my home... There is joy in my life, just isn't the focus like it should be. Jason is trying really hard, and do mean really hard, to make me happy and laugh, even when he's had a bad day. I'm really glad I have him, cause I think if we didn't have each other, we would have fallen apart and farther into the pit of despair.

So what do I find joy in right now? The fact that I have a family that loves. The fact that I'm reminded daily that my parents did a great job at raising seven kids, that are respectable members of society. I also find joy in the fact that they, my mentors throughout my life, are/were excellent teachers and examples of the Christian life. I find joy in the fact that though I am far away from those I love most, I have someone who loves me just as much, reminding me that I am loved. But most of all I find Joy in the fact that God gave me a gift, not a reward, but something as free as the air around us. Free Life, an eternal one for that matter.

Please pray for me and that I find direction soon. I know God has a plan for me, and has had one before I even existed. I just need wisdom to know where He wants me next...

2010...

2010-01-05T09:51:00.001-07:00

Well here is my first blog for the new year and decade. Not sure what to write. Seems like all my blogs lately are just upsetting sob stories of my life right now. Not that good things never happen, just seems to be getting worse and worse. Jason agrees with me. We aren't where we should be, weather that's Texas, church, or our current residence.

Jason has been told for a few weeks that he was possibly, a strong possibility, getting transferred to a store north of us as Manager. Well just a few days ago he found out that they hired someone outside the company. Jason is currently the number one seller in all of Austin and in the State of Texas, so he's really upset about the way Sears works. This is the third or fourth time since transferring out here they have screwed him over. First it was they lost his paperwork, so he was out of work for two weeks. They decreased his pay, when they originally told him he would be making more, and there are other things that have happened that I can't remember. He's been looking to get out of Retail for a long time, but I'm so sure he has a lot of time to do so.

My job is ok. I'm just so tired of doing the same thing over and over now. I need a change, but I haven't been looking.

I won't be home for Christmas...

2009-12-07T07:56:00.003-07:00

I finally told my Mom last night that there was no way I could come out for Christmas, let alone Christmas Eve (which is usually is the big thing with all my family). I cried, a lot. I feel like a loser cause I told everyone that they would see me again around the holidays, obviously that's not how it worked out. I do get Christmas day off, and either the day before or day after as well, just don't know for sure. I think my Mom my be trying to sneak me home, which she should waste her money just to have me there for 24 hours, though it would be nice to see everyone. This will be my first Christmas away from home. Growing up kinda sucks, no it does suck.

There is still talk of moving back towards the West Coast, more like Jason has already made up his mind to move back to Phoenix. I'm not so sure I want to live in Phoenix, and I do know I would love to live in Flagstaff, and was going to try to make it work this year, before I decided to move out to Texas. At least in Arizona, I would be close to home, half a day max, cause I would have to stop and visit with some of my family along the way, regardless if I lived in Phoenix or Flagstaff. But moving to either has its pros and cons. Phoenix is actually closer to my Parents, but I would have to basically start over like I did here in Texas. Flagstaff would make me just two hours further than Phoenix, I have a Family in Flagstaff (Church Family) and a lot of my friends are still there, but there are no jobs unless I take a class at NAU (600 bucks) and my Friends are only in Flagstaff until they are done with school. But then there is a plan C, I guess you could call it. Just move on back to California. Which other than the family I have there, I would have to start all over again. There are very few people I still stay in contact with that are not my family...

I have a lot to pray about...

Not sure what to do right now.

2009-11-04T19:42:00.002-07:00

I've been working non-stop it seems between my two jobs. To the point that my body made me stop yesterday. I still feel a bit crummy and not a hundred percent yet. But I'm trying to keep on trucking since I need the money. But I think soon, I will only have one job. Though I'm getting a pay raise at the grocery store, I'm having to work seven days between the two. Plus, I could pick up a few extra days with Goodwill, since they are currently short handed, and get paid more for the days that I would be at the store. It's not worth the stress and anger that I have been experiencing at the grocery store, I'm just not happy there. Yeah, they gave me a dollar raise, and are planning on teaching me to bake, but I'll have no days off. No time to recover from the week.

So I don't think I'll be going to California, let alone Arizona for the Holidays. Which sucks big time. Tickets are too much, I'm barely scrapping by, and don't have vacation time just yet. And now Jason is talking about moving back to Arizona next summer, after our lease is up. I think that just him being stress out from all the bumps we have had since arriving here. I don't know what direction we are suppose to go.

Well I better get to bed. Work 10 hours tomorrow at Goodwill. I am real do like working there, though I am alone most of the time.

I won't turn away

2009-10-27T16:43:00.003-07:00

One of my favorite songs is by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North, and it's title is By Your Side.

My adventure out here in Austin, Texas hasn't been as simple as I sort of thought it would be. But I constantly reminded myself that more than my family was supporting me in whatever way. God and I are still working on our relationship, though I feel like it's almost one sided, and I'm sorry for that. But He has been here since day one, and will be by my side through eternity. Just as things seem completely out of control, He sends hope and comfort. I am truly blessed to be where I am right now, though at times I do get caught up in this earthly form.

I am very grateful for the opportunities that He has given me just in the last two weeks. I just got a full time position at Goodwill, which is going really well.

But I still miss home, and things hear are still shakey, financially, but God will provide.

I want my Mom.

2009-10-17T17:14:00.002-07:00

Everyone has some kind of comfort when everything seems wrong, mine is my Mom. She always can make me feel better even if I was the one in the wrong. Just something about her that makes me feel safe regardless if times are crazy or just frustrating or even both. She loves me completely, because I am her child, but it's conditionally. I know God is the same way, yet I'm yearning for something more physical.

I feel really alone right now, though I am surrounded by people. But not people that I'm comfortable enough to spill my emotions in front of. My life is being controlled by other people and all I want to do at this point is go home and be were I can even just cry and get it out. I'm tired of swallowing and swallowing every emotion that I have simply because I have no one to counsel with who really knows me. People back home know me.

Yes, I have Jason I can talk to, but right now it's not helping to much. I guess cause I'm just getting the same/similar answers, because he can only do so much or knows so much. I'm so lost in this situation and trying hard to figure out what it is I'm suppose to be learning.

I made it...

2009-08-13T07:23:00.002-07:00

Now what am I suppose to do? I haven't even been here for a week and I'm not liking it at all. I realize Texas is a whole lot different than anything I have experienced in my 25 years of being on this planet. Yes, I have only lived in California and Arizona, but I never thought I would live somewhere so different and shocking.

I still do not have a job. I haven't looked a whole lot and I need to hook my computer up since Jason's computer apparently do not have MS Word on it. I have yet to call the gentleman at the seafood resturant downtown maybe I should do that tomorrow.

I don't think I'm home sick. I think I am just frustrated with a lot of things and it shows more with Jason than anyone else. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I haven't even finished unpacking the load I brought almost a week ago and beIng told it would be better if I went this weekend to get the rest of it that is being stored three hours away. This house is so little I'm not sure where everything is gonna go. There is no garage to even use for storage. But I should be thankful that I do have a roof over my head...

Goodbye Flagstaff...

2009-08-03T11:22:00.002-07:00

As of Wednesday evening I will be leaving Flagstaff for the last time, only to return to visit rather than be a resident.

Yesterday was my last day at church, and I actually was a bit down about it. Ok, more than a bit. I have only been going there since January, and here it is August and I'm leaving. It was nice though, they planned a send off lunch for me. I had figured Jim and Pam (the pastor and his wife) were probably going to take me to lunch, plus I had nothing to really do, I was mostly packed from the day before. Funny thing was I got to church, and started to feel the anxiety of me actually not returning to FSBC like I have been doing for the past six months now. And then to have people secretly plan a lunch for me without even really knowing if I was available, it shows the family love that they have to offer not just to me but others. I stayed til the end, actually being one of five people to close the building down. Pam wants to have dinner before I leave, but we will see how that goes. I will miss her and Jim probably the most because they became my Flagstaff Parents in this short time. Pam even told me I was like her daughter. There were a few people that weren't there that I didn't get to say my goodbyes to, but I hope to visit in December since the plan is to be in PHX around that time. I promised at least a monthly update for everyone there at FSBC, I figure I can do that much.

I got to go see my family two weeks ago, everyone but Rebecca's family. It was still nice to visit and talk. Just sucks I'm going farther away, yet visiting about the same. It will definitely cost more to visit, since it's a full 24 hour drive to Long Beach from Austin.

I am still looking for jobs, I have only had one real call back, but we will see where that goes. Still have to get in touch with the schools about subbing, at least for now.

I'm excited to be starting a new adventure just wished it didn't take so long to get there. At least I have Debbie riding along and visiting for a week. It will be nice to have family around even though it's only for a little while...

Let the countdown begin...

2009-07-11T21:34:00.003-07:00

I'm about four weeks from being in Austin, Texas for the next chapter of my life. I plan on leaving Flagstaff on the 5th, stay in Peoria for the night and then head out on the i-10. Jason's sister, Debbie, is going to ride with me from Phoenix to Austin. It's gonna take us two days since it is technically a 16 hour drive from Flag to Austin, so we are gonna spend the night in El Paso. That leaves eight hours to Austin which should be cake.

I have to ship some things ahead of me though Jason has already taken some of my stuff with him. I thought I down sized quite a bit but not enough to pack it all in my truck. My prints and images are mostly my problem. Anyone know where too look for large narrow boxes to ship things like that in? It will all get worked out some how, I just wished I knew how.

I have applied to ten jobs so far, most of them being receptionist type things. There is one job I would really like. We it's more like there is a place I want to work. It's with a sign shop the specializes in screen printing. I applied to three of their open positions that seemed to fit me but have only heard back from them that they were reviewing my application. I just need something and know God will provide but I really am starting to worry about. Most places don't like applicants that aren't local or having to do phone interviews.

Jason has two interviews this Monday and Tuesday. Both are with companies in his degree field, which he has two degree. More marketable I guess. He has been without work for the last two weeks because of moving and the fact that his paper work for a transfer was accidently thrown away. I'm glad that it's finally being sorted out and these other offers have come up, I just hope it's not any longer that he is out of work. His cousin Adam has been in Austin for almost six months now and still no job.

I'll be visiting home in two weeks and boy am I excited. But it also saddens me since I won't be home again until December. I have adapted pretty well being only seven hours away for the past few years, but now it will be more like 24 hours. Two hour plane ride is what Debbie, jason's sister, says. Why is the distance such an issue even though I will be visiting about the same?

Swing Blade on Independance Day

2009-07-04T09:59:00.003-07:00

A lot has been on mind lately. Mostly because I have spent the last three days without a roommate, Jason and a dog. My life is changing and with change comes fear. I know I shouldn't be scared cause God will provide for me in His way. But I never have really liked change, though I am excited for the change, as it approaches closer and closer I can't help but think about the negatives. I have no job once I get there, and I haven't been looking either. My loans are due for repayment at the end of this month, which I could defer them a little longer after the move since I won't have a source of income to pay them with. And will I find a church family like the one I have now? One to continue growing and learning the truth of what being a Christian is to the rest of the world. I have been blessed with the people in my life, including those that aren't related exept through the blood of Christ.

I've been reading "First Light" mostly, which is an interesting book though it is fiction. It has been discussed at church by many people since the first few time I started attending there. The book was just kind of passed off to me one Wednesday night. I've had it for about three weeks now, but haven't had time to sit and read it, along with three other books I've been meaning to read. Yesterday I read 14 chapters. Everyone, except Vicki, says it's a hard one to get into. So many characters are introduced since it is the first book of the series. But I haven't had trouble getting into it. I'm hoping to finish it so I can return it. The series is something worth buying, but I have others to read before going onto the next in the series.

I want a kaiser blade to wheel around.

All I asked was a Question...

2009-07-02T08:57:00.002-07:00

Just like everyone else in the world, I have friends that are non-believers. This morning I noticed that one of my friends posted as their status on Facebook as " It isn't god that I have an issue with but rather his followers......... ah jesus I pray you save me from your followers". This is someone I talk to occasionally, well when I see them, and I know I have told them that I am a Christian and attend such activities weekly. So I simply commented on it, for my own curiosity, "I'm a follower of God/Christ. Do you have issues with me?" Mainly because I wanted to know if my light was showing, especially since we were going over Romans 12:1-2 last night at Bible Study and discussing how Christians need practice insulation with the world, not isolation or imitation.

Well someone I know replied to my comment: "if i was them i was say depends... most of the people who say they are followers need to read the good book again and word search the word "pharisees" to make sure they arent selling their own souls to satan at the discounted rate. your retort( mrs r) isnt the sort of pride ( i use the word "pride" strongly) that the good book approves of. ahem... for shame? your anger isnt the way to win over friends. stand down" How was my question even an angry one? Or better yet, how was I being prideful? I do not know this replier at all, so I'm assuming, by the words chosen for the bible, that there too are a non-believer.

So obviously I was offend, i probably should have not said anything back, but I did. "I wasn't being angry, I was simply seeing if I even came off as a Christian to my Friends, I have never once pressured them about their "sins" or their believes being different from my own. I am not separate from those that are no followers, I have my issues daily.

The pharisees were soap boxers, stand there and show that they were followers of the One True God, but one is not saved by works, thus they were actually offending God by not completely surrendering to Him.

I was not trying to be prideful in any way. So you need to stand down, because you don't know me or my relationship with our mutual friend here. I am a Christian, not an asshole."

They responded once again: "the only material i have to work with is the aforementioned retort, ie "do you have an issue with me" deny the confrontational tone within that if you will... but do not think for an instant that you speak for the church. If your tone textually was what I encountered when i entered the church, you could consider me a strong non believer too. this is why i say stand down, you do all of us more harm than good."

Why do people make me so mad? I mean, Yes I have my beliefs and I hold strong to them, and I realize people have theirs, though they aren't always the in the sight of God, but I respect that, and just hope that as I build a relationship with them as friends and can get closer to sharing more and more of who I am, which is a Christian. Why does this world have to nit pick everything when it comes to Christian it? I realize that there are those in the "faith" that are not living like Christ, they are full of hate of those who are sinners, but would you want to talk to someone who is yelling at you that you're going to Hell? Some people that works, be for me, that would never work. Relationships are key to any situation, and though I have friends that are "ungodly" in ways, does not mean I cannot be friends with them. I am not going to agree with what they are doing is correct and not engage in such things because of my faith, but I can share my life with them in other ways... This just really offended me, and I know not every situation is going to be a easy one, cause if they were, God wouldn't have us here.

Haven't dropped it yet...

2009-06-25T15:54:00.002-07:00

Let alone let go of it. Last Friday Apple released it's new iPhone 3G S to the public... Mine arrived at 10:30 am that morning. I love it! I am still getting used to it and like the size of it. Fits really well in my hand. I got the White 16GB rather than the big 32. I have an 80 gb iPod that I never had more than two thousand songs on it. It's going to Jason since his destructo pod died or went "gonzo." I think it's funny how people will look at my phone and sit there and inquire of it's cost and total expenses and then debate on weather it's worth getting. Jason says as of right now he wants one because the owner of Blackberry is trying to take his hockey team to Canada along with a few others.

I can't believe June is almost over. I haven't been home since May which I feel really bad about. But June just got too crazy even to come home for Father's Day. I'm hoping to come home in the next few weeks since VBS will be over as of tomorrow night and work will cool down a bit until mid July. Also, Jason is moving to Austin as of the 30th so for awhile he will not be consuming some of my time. I'll miss him and Gracie, but it's only for a little while. I need to get serious about finding a job cause substitute teaching is more part time than the crew position I had here with SUN.

I better get ready to head up the hill to church... Two more days.

2009-05-28T19:00:00.002-07:00

So I'm out of my old house... Practically. I still have a few, very few items left there and some minor cleaning to do, but as of Saturday it should all be taken care off. So far only one casualty... I should have tied down the book case...

VBS is four weeks away, and I've gone over my work book a few times, but still worry if I can handle leading the class. I have at least two other people helping me, one being the Director for VBS this year, I almost just want to hand it off, but I said I would do it. Pam, the Pastor's Wife, said she would help me go over it and plan a bit. Honestly, I'm thinking more about decorating the room than the actual lessons. At least I have an age group that I'm comfortable with. How hard should it be to take Kindergartners on a trip to the Outback? Plus, that's the age group I usually coached during the summer for kickball or played with the most...

Like I said earlier, Jason and I are talking, well it's more than talking. He's actually been telling people, mostly close friends and family, that we are together. I know those of you that I have talked to a few month back during our break are probably thinking/saying "be carefull." I know... It's like the old Jason, like when we first started dating, but with a little known history. We both have talked about the break up, and it was a great thing for the both of us. God allowed up to figure out what it was we really needed of ourselves, mine was God. There are a few things that still need to be worked out and discussed and we are doing so, and my trust is still in God and I'm letting HIM make the decisions...

Jason is actually moving at the end of June to Austin, Texas. A month sooner than he expected, but family has upped the departure date. Please pray for him as he is looking for a job there to help cover his bills and expenses. He could transfer with Sears, but believes he would have to get a second job (probably delivering pizzas again) just to survive. He's trying to put his faith in God that He will provide, but it hard for him at times to think that way, especially now that he has kind of a deadline to meet.

As for me... Like I've been saying, my life seems to change every six months. So who knows...

And the Wrenches Fly

2009-05-17T19:41:00.002-07:00

This week has been very interesting, but then again, every week is interesting in it's own way. Since I didn't get back to Flagstaff until Monday night, I've had my days mixed up, to the point I told someone I was going to church on Saturday night? Weird I know. But that wasn't even the most interesting part of my week, but I have been busy to the max.

I'm almost completely out of my old house. Just have a few things there, some of which is going to church for the youth yard sale, so it will live in the garage here until the Thursday before the Sale. I can't wait to get out of there completely and be done with it all. I mean, stuff has been taken that was mine, and I've asked for it back, but still haven't seen or heard anything about it, not cool. I think by Tuesday I'll be all out, and then this weekend I'll clean the areas assigned to me.

As for my working out, I found out that the first 3 week session of the Summer classes counts as Spring, so I can still go to the rec center for two more weeks, then I'll be using Kristin's ID. Hopefully we both don't decide to go at the same time. Oh well, 20 bucks for five sessions isn't bad I guess. But as for my training, I have done nothing, mostly because my excuse now is that I don't have shoes once again and I've been busy. Flip Flops just are easier to put on than laces.

Why does everyone seem to think I'm moving away. I thought I told everyone important that I'm staying through December, maybe longer, and applying to some Grad schools and Seminaries as of Jan 1st, 2010. Hopefully I can go visit a few of them, or at least my top three next semester.

I've been hanging out with Jason for the past four days. He's actually one of the people who thought I was moving away. We still have a lot to talk about, but it's nice to talk, hang out, and share time with one another again, just like old times. We are making plans to go camping, or road trips around AZ like we used to. He even wants to start coming to church with me, but until his supervisor comes back he is stuck working Sundays, but there is evening services/bible studies. But like I said, there are things that we still need to discuss, and it seems like everyday we get some of them out in the open. God is still in control of this situation like He was in January...

So weird, talking to someone back on via internets, and she had to get off because a huge earthquake just started...

Week 24: Time to Buckle Down

2009-05-03T07:11:00.003-07:00

Last week I did nothing in terms of my training. It was kinda windy all week, and I didn't want to fight it or run 24 laps in the Field house, but maybe that needs to be my back up. But along with the lack of exercise being produced by myself, my diet has kind of gone out the window. It's hard to keep such a low calorie intake, especially when your schedule gets messed up or changed and you don't go work out. I'm gonna try to be better about it this week starting Monday, but hopefully I can get to the gym tonight.

Grad school is coming back into the picture it seems. I think I'll apply to both seminary and grad school in January next year for Fall 10 and see where that takes me. Honestly I think I would enjoy Grad school and the opportunities it will present.

I can't wait to move. People are starting to be babies and drama, and I'm over it. But at least I have a place for a little while. Doors don't need to slam and petty notes don't need to be posted. If you need to talk to me about something, you do it to my face. I'm really hoping that I don't have to approach them, cause I will go off, which will not be good for me or the other person.

I'm glad I'll be home in less that five days...

25 Weeks...

2009-04-26T17:42:00.003-07:00

Until Race Day, so training starts tomorrow. But since I have more than enough time before race day, I'm using two different training schedules, mostly because I haven't really ran anything yet. Just been doing Cross Training I guess. I'm still going to use the stationary bike, it will help my cardio, but with this new endeavor I have realized that I'm missing a key piece of equipment: A watch. I haven't worn a sports watch since my last one broke in 2002, and that one was awesome.

I've been looking/comparing many, mostly Polar watches. But I guess for now I should just get a cheapie watch, and go for the Polar one later, or as I get closer to race day. Yes, the Polar watches are Heart Rate Monitors and some can tell you how many calories you have burned during work outs. So not something really needed for just running, I guess.

My housing situation is now up in the air. I think it will be ok, I have a back up if it falls through. Just have to see what God's doing with that, and it will come soon. But please pray about it if you can.

So tomorrow is 65 minutes of Cross training and a three mile run. I need to figure out a route, I have never ran around Flagstaff before. But hopefully I'll be able to figure it out before tomorrow.

I'm excited to go home, and I'm actually going to be hitting the LBC this time. Yet, it will still be a busy weekend. Plan on leaving Flagstaff sometime on Friday, hopefully not too late and get into Victorville sometime that evening. May go hang out with a friend, and stay with the Lusters. Birthday parties, Tee ball, and baby holding is what's up for the following day. Sunday, my niece Eleanor is getting baptized, and Henry is getting dedicated, plus it's Mother's Day. I may just leave that Thursday afternoon, not sure if there is really a point to staying in Flagstaff on Friday...But we will see when it gets closer... 12 days to go.

Didn't Expect Easter...

2009-04-12T18:54:00.002-07:00

To be like it was today. Went to Church, obviously my flaky friend flaked. My atheist friend tells me that he wanted to come really bad to breakfast at my church, but his parents asked him to come to Sedona to see a church play his Mother was in, and stay for Easter service... Kinda shocking!

So I went to church, text most of the people I deeply care about "Happy Easter," which in turn found out that my brother's cat is possibly dying (we've had him since 1992). Ate a huge breakfast with wonderful people, went to Sunday School, laughed with everyone and helped decide where to go next in our studies.

Then it was service, which I had discussed with Pam and Pastor Jim about moving my letter and becoming a member at this church earlier in the week, so all I had to do was walk to the front at the invitation...Yikes! I don't like being the center of attention, but if that's how it goes...

But after sitting and chatting it up with a few people, the head decon(I think he's the head decon) walks up to me, which he usually does every Sunday and says hello or something, but this time he asks if I had somewhere to go for Lunch this afternoon. I was kinda shocked at first, I just never really did anything on Easter if I was in Flagstaff, I usually just go home and eat whatever and veg out. "Today's kinda a bad day to spend alone, so if you would like, or if you didn't have any plans, you can come over to our house have lunch, and we can work out the details after the service." I ended up spending 5.5 hours at their house, just talking and laughing and discussing church stuff. I think I made the right choice about attending FSBCF.

So service starts, a few people are caught counting the attendence, I made sure I wasn't one of them. The deal is, if we got 100 people attending service today, our Pastor would have to sing the following Sunday. We got 93, and there were some regulars that were not present, but we have been instructed to not harass them for not being there. It was a great service, and did walk up there and prayed with Pastor. Then stood in the front and shook practically everyone's hands, even one of the members stood up there with me, I think she thought at first I was making a proffession of my faith. Oh well!

I am so thankful for this Church Family that I have become a part of. As Megan(went to lunch at her house) put it, "Welcome to the Family, and the insanity." Made it feel like home... and I know I will grow here, it's already happening. It's not just Church time, it's family time, everytime, even when we are cleaning bathrooms! I love it there, just not sure how long I'm suppose to stay there.

Obviously, with my SBC Letter being moved to Flagstaff, again, my direction in life is to stay here at least through December, but it might be longer. Seminary is something I am also looking into, but unsure which direction in that I'm suppose to go. So for now, I'm trying to keep my Job at NAU, or find one in town so that I can afford to live up here, nothing else. Yes, my loans are due starting July first, but God has allowed for me to prepare for that, and they will be taken care of regardless of my job status. Hopefully I will know if I'm suppose to go to Grad School for my MFA in Printmaking (which seems more doubtful now), or head off to Seminary some where (leaning towards Southwestern or Golden Gate in PHX) by next January. But then again it's in God's Hands, and my trust is in Him.

One or two steps closer....

2009-04-11T07:00:00.005-07:00

This week has been interesting, well actually these past few months have. I've realized that my standards for the composite sex were higher than I originally thought. Must: have Faith, be Male, and not-racist. Someone said, "that's still a wide net to throw." But not up here in Flagstaff, I mean most people my age don't go to church, let alone a Southern Baptist Church. Oh well, I just laugh.

I also have realized, though I am not in a dating type relationship, I'm still busy as ever. My time management is getting better, but still I'm wishing for more time to do things, mostly trying to fit in another work out for the day.

Wednesday night, I went to bible study, which only ended up being a prayer meeting since our Pastor wasn't back up from PHX in time. No worries, just glad that he and his wife did make it home safely. So I decided to head over to Greenlaw, the church that Jason was baptized at last year. I pulled in the parking lot, and the first thing I notice is that they are just finishing praying, so I assume it's over, but decide to go in a mingle with a few. Then after parking I see him, Pastor Campbell and his big fatty gut. Sorry, I have issues with Fatty People and not even sure why? But anyway, I seriously sit in my truck for almost 10 minutes, cause I don't want to have to walk past him, but decided to go in even though it was going to be awkward. I passed him in the hall way, shook his hand and went into where everyone else was.

Apparently it was a going away party for one of the families. So I chatted it up with my favorite people and few others, as I could see Pastor Campbell making his way towards me, getting side tracked along the way... But finally he comes and shakes my hand again.

Of course he asks about Jason (which I didn't know he had been calling anyway), who I haven't really talked to in about two to three weeks, unless Facebook for 5 minutes counts. Then he invited me back to church, which means my request for membership hadn't gotten to the right person yet at FSBC. When I told him I was attending FSBC, this man, how dare him, asked me what the attendance was there. Inside I was so mad! but didn't show my discus on the outside.

I know a little why he asked, because there was a "Great Divide" at Greenlaw a bit before Jason and I started attending there. Most of the members went down the road to FSBC, and very few of them have talked to me about there attendance at GL, which is fine, I don't need to be in their business. I mean, Pastor Jim and Pam went to GL a few years back, before he took on the role as Pastor at FSBC.

And then he asks if I am a member there yet, which I was unsure, so I said no. "Oh good, I can still recruit you! hahahahaha" I wanted to say no to his response, cause I was already in the process of moving my letter. I was just glad Brenda didn't leave me alone in conversation with him, I think it would have been worse. But I did get invited to the Good Friday Service they were having.

Thursday went by so fast! Went to work and the next thing I knew I was leaving to go home. Dropped of my Co-worker, Faby, and drove by church to see if Pam was there. Sure enough she was, so I spent like two hours there talking to her, and filled out the form to move my letter. It got left in the safe apparently and Jim just got it the day before. She said he felt so bad about it. But we talked about so many things, including my Wednesday Night, a bit of my back ground, seminary, her daughters, and so on.

Pam was the first person that greeted me the first time I went to FSBC back in November and again in January. Made my experience feel like that of attending church when I was little back in Long Beach. It's wasn't just church, it was family. It hasn't felt like that in a long time, and I can tell I'm growing!

Friday came along, did a half day at work, went to Lunch with Brenda, cleaned my room for the most part. I have a lot I need to go through and purge. Then went to church at 7pm for Good Friday Service. Walking it was kinda weird, and I wanted to turn around as I got the program and was told to take a nail. "great he's using props again," fills my mind. But then I told myself to just be patient, maybe he was going to go over the meaning of the nails, or something. So I sat there feeling the urge to leave, and observing everyone and realizing why I never returned to GL. I wasn't sure what his message was, so rambled and seems like nonsense.

So what did I do, I just talked to God. I bowed my head, and just talked to Him. And boy did I talk to him, I have only cried in church at my grandparents funeral. I try my best to hide my emotions especially when it comes to crying. But as I was in deep communication with Him, tears just started coming down my face. I didn't even throw my nail at the foot of the cross, which the nail just ended up being a nail, not a symbol for anything...LAME!

I have requested information from all but two SBC seminaries, but have only gotten two packets, once from Southwestern (Fort Worth, TX) and Southeastern (Wake Forest, NC). The one in NC is about 20-30 minutes from Durham, so be prepared Emily and Kyle to have your kitchen invaded. But I'm not sure where I'm going, yesterday as I was praying, I feel like seminary is the direction he wants me to go... But I could be wrong...

Today is an Easter Egg Hunt at church, and it's SNOWING!

So I guess we are moving it inside. I get to help a bit, just not sure with what yet.

6pm - 1am...

2009-03-28T01:30:00.004-07:00

And I'm not tired. Probably cause I did practically nothing today, except be home for two repair guys. I know I should go to bed, cause I have a day that starts at 8am... Church stuff, Geo Caching, and catching up with people socially... Then I do it again Sunday morning, but I love my Sundays. Good church, good people, and I take something from it each time.

This week has been an odd one. I've been in recent contact with people I haven't seen in over a year, if not more, and the conversations we have had are quite interesting in different ways. Some I completely relate to, feeling that recent sorrow again as if it had just happened hours before. Or reminiscing of high school, and a promise I made in 10th grade about my high school reunion, which is only 3 years away! But they all seem to involve what I'm gonna do next... and all I can say is "I don't know." My sister said it's ok not to know right now, and I understand that. Yet, it's still something that crosses my mind and often included in my daily conversations.

Life is easy if God is in control, or at least I feel it is. But when you are still trying to fight for that control, even after telling yourself He is, that is when life is hard. I'm not worried about money, I'm no longer worried about a job. My concern is what I'm suppose to do for God.

Oh yeah, and I got to party with this dude...

Bad Trips Lead to More Focused Life...

2009-03-24T17:06:00.002-07:00

Most of you don't know that I went to Atlanta, GA for Spring Break last week, rather than going back to the hood and spending time with family. Bad choice, but I really didn't take the time to think about it, I seriously bout my ticket only two days after hearing about the trip, and might I add, not knowing all that it entailed. After my purchase, I find out the remaining odd travel details, but felt like I couldn't back out. Almost did, because as I hung out more with the one that invited me to go, the more I didn't want to go. I really don't like LIARS. Yes, I can already see some people thinking, "but she used to lie about almost everything." This is true, which is probably why I don't like people who are complete liars about everything, even when their lies catch up to them, they just add another. So I got toted around Atlanta, my camera broke the first day, just as we entered the World of Coke, so I recorded my adventure to being "COKED OUT."

Though the trip was not one that was very enjoyable, I did talk to God a lot. Mostly because I was excluded from the conversations anyway. Really wished that we didn't eat crap the whole time we were there, which consisted of things I could get in Flagstaff basically. No Fried Southern Food at all... And I really wanted Crawfish.

But my life has changed a lot, and the direction that I thought was the right one, no longer seems that way. I'm trying to figure out what God's doing, and wanting me to do to better serve Him. Missions have come up again and again, seeming more frequent, but I'm not sure if that's what's next. So please pray for me, many things are coming up, and I'm unsure of which one is the right one.

Exercise causes pant loss...

2009-02-26T18:43:00.002-07:00

So I'm taking this really lame fitness and conditioning class so I can still work at my campus job. It's really lame. I sign-in, work out, sign-out and leave. It's only two days a week. Just recently I've started getting really hardcore about my workouts. So far I'm up to 50 minutes on the bike, doing the hills mode at level 12, and I've started to do more at home. Along with my food intake change, more small meals with veggies and fruits, my pants that I got in December are falling off, and my belt is on it's last notch! I'm not sure if I'm actually losing weight, but I am losing inches. My goal right now, is to maybe do the Long Beach Half Marathon that I did in 2001. We shall see...

I wish God gave me this Talent...

2009-02-14T12:02:00.001-07:00

Let it snow...

2009-02-10T10:49:00.001-07:00

Had to left work at 2pm Monday, and this is what I came home to...

Change...

2009-01-27T16:45:00.004-07:00

A big one and one I really needed. I am a very angry person, or should I say I was. Thursday, I realized that I was, and now since then I've been working on it in more than one way. Reading at least 11 scripture verses, all ones that are specific to areas that I'm currently needing wisdom on, working out after work (sometimes two or three times), and reading a web page I found on controlling anger.

I'm a big time complainer, BIG TIME! At work all I do is complain about what others aren't doing, or the fact that I have to do their jobs for them (not always by choice). And complaining gets me now where, and just makes me waste energy and just creating unneeded stress for myself.

Just like being aggressively angry gets me no where. I don't like who I am during those situations, and I feel like I've started to get a grip on how to handle myself when I am upset about something. God says it's ok to be angry, but not to hold it in. And anger is just another emotion, but excessive anger just pushes people away, and makes you one unhappy person. One thing I know about myself is that I let little things become extravagant. And I mean minor things. I know I have been told, a few times from Jason, that I can be too serious at time, never really able to relax and see how dumb it is to be getting upset. So far I've been able to just tell myself it's not a big deal, or that it will be taken care of. I'm definitely feeling better. I mean, last night, sitting home by myself, just watching tv and chatting online... I wasn't feeling upset for being home, with nothing to do, just enjoyed it and my day...

I still have a long way to go, and I hope I'm able to let God guide me, and give me wisdom about my behavior, or how to control myself better.... So please pray for me...

I'm 24... until tomorrow

2009-01-18T13:52:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe that tomorrow at 7:55am PST I will be officially a quarter of a century old. But I have my Bachelor's (finally, and my diploma came a few weeks ago), a wonderful boyfriend that makes me happy (most of the time) to be around, and somewhat of a career goal. Yeah, most people my age are married or have been for a few years, but I'm not ready. I'm not even working in my field yet, and trying to start a family would almost postpone that.

Yes, in Five months my life is going to change, I'll basically be starting over...Scary! But as I think (and talk to Jason) about, it's becoming something more tangible. I'm still not sure if my plans of Texas for July and the next 3 years is what God wants for me. I miss home, and moving two states over (basically being 24 hrs away by car) makes me miss home more, and I'm not even there yet. I've been away from family since 2004 essentially, but only half a day away at most. Now my plans make me even further... I've missed so much the last 4.5 years, is more really going to make a difference.... Births, weddings, family gatherings... I just need to pray more about it.

Never have I felt so screwed!

2009-01-12T14:47:00.004-07:00

Friday, four days ago, I was promised 30 hours a week, which I need a min of 25 to just scrap by according to my budget. But as of today, I get 20, and only 20? I'm so mad... and scared...

Maybe I Should Wait...

2008-12-04T09:33:00.002-07:00

After my Committee meeting on Tuesday, I got the impression I need to work more before developing my portfolio before applying to Grad School. Means I loose work to put in it, but most of the work I have right now (minus my show pieces) really don't go together, or express what I like doing. Plus, Dave thinks I should get into book Binding, or at least stick around and produce something for my portfolio. So I think I might take the year off, work on pieces here at NAU and where ever I end up over the Summer, then apply to Grad School for Fall 2010.

Oh I passed by the way! I'm completely done with my Undergrad, Graduating next Friday, and then just working for awhile before Christmas... It's weird, cause I have nothing to do now...

Grad Applications...

2008-12-01T08:03:00.002-07:00

I figure if I don't get into Texas, I'm taking a year off to build my portfolio up big time. I'm still going to apply, along with some other places, but Texas seems to be the better option. They are Ranked 15 in the Nation for their overall MFA Program, and 11th for just Printmaking. They have more instructors who focus more on Lithography, and I really like Intaglio better. Their facility is awesome, even though they only admit 10 people per area. But I can do this.... Right?

What to do...

2008-11-25T10:20:00.002-07:00

So my show was Friday, and it went really well. Wasn't exactly how I dreamed it, but it was still a great set-up and family time. I'm really thankful for all my family that came out, and those that helped, especially Jason.

But now, I don't know what to really do with myself. I know I should just get back in the shop and work on my announcements... or even my portfolio, since one is due Jan 6th...

So close but so far away...

2008-11-20T22:53:00.003-07:00

So in 12 hours, I'll be back in the Gallery finally setting up everything... A little last minute, maybe. But the set up shouldn't take more than like 3 hours max, and that's giving me a lot of breathing room. My Images look amazing, and I'm thankful that Julie was able to matt and frame all my pieces for me, that look really awesome. I'm excited that this is it, and I'm also excited to move on to something else, like VISCOSITY! I love doing those, even though it's indescribably hardcore. But Intaglio is my love or at least I'm trying to make it my lover.

I still have to finish Pulling my announcements. I only printed twelve this week, and that was on Tuesday. Hopefully I can get them all done by next weekend, and I mean mailed and everything.

Well I should try to go to bed... Long day tomorrow.

I have never felt so DUMB!

2008-11-19T19:28:00.002-07:00

So I'm two days away... TWO! And I get told that I have to paint my two walls by Thursday!?! Why do I have to do it, you have a Manager for Gallery, and why TWO DAYS before!?! This whole department is Crap!

Also, what I thought would be a simple task destroyed my day... So I'm trying to build something that resembles a front yard or so, so I needed a sidewalk... Who knew I was going to need 64 bags of concrete to just make eight 4x4 squares? So that's out and I still have nothing done except that Julie (my teacher's wife) is doing my matting and framing for 50 bucks! Even cleaning the glass and putting wire on it! So hopefully I can find a solution tomorrow with the help of the Groundies or even John and his prop/set design skills. If you have any ideas please let me know!

I'm excited though to see family in the next few days... Just wished some where coming that couldn't make it for whatever reason...

A week away

2008-11-12T08:02:00.002-07:00

I'm getting nervous about my show, and the prep I still have to do for it. I still need to order Frames, but Dave keeps forgetting the Catalog to White Mountain, and they don't seem to have a website. But my postcards did come, and they look pretty good. I think I'll just start building my prop on Monday, that way I can just leave it in the Gallery and not have to try moving it from one place to another...

Being done with school in about two weeks is kinda odd for me. Yes, there is still a month to go before Graduation, but I'm technically done after my show and final Committee Meeting. I think I'll only be taking a PE class next semester so I can work, but was asked to be the Shop Monkey as well. "That way you don't have to take a class."

I'm at work, really not wanting to be here at work... With a break in the middle of the week, yesterday, it's hard to get back into things, even though it was just a day...

2008-11-07T11:40:00.001-07:00

My iPod is broke. I even tried restoring it, which looked promising until it made my computer crash. I tired it at work too, and it crashed as well. This sucks!

2008-11-05T22:59:00.002-07:00

I've thrown away 5 editions as of tonight... What a lot of wasted paper... But I feel better, and will probably have seven images total by this weekend! Tomorrow I'm going to finish printing the outside, still have to figure out the inside. Might be printing like 300 hundred of these, just to help a friend out. I should sell them...

After going home, I still might be planning on going home in a few weeks, except I have work on the 15th. Gym Class Heroes and their stupid rider that is a page long, and they aren't even bring their bus, so I don't know where they are putting all this crap. I hope it shrinks down a bit, just so that Rachel (my boss) doesn't have to buy a lot of it.

Well I'm going to bed cause it's almost Midnight...

2008-11-04T19:56:00.002-07:00

So I voted... it only took 5 hours in line on Sunday, and a thousand mile drive to and fro.

Do I Get a Fattened Calf?

2008-10-29T21:46:00.003-07:00

I cried as I drove home tonight from the shop because of one simple phrase that I have heard over and over in my life time... The Prodigal Son. Lately I've been listening to the Christian station here in Flagstaff, mostly because of the songs lately. But tonight, I get in, and there's a this British guy (last name Parson?) talking about his life in relation to being a prodigal son or carrying the prodigal burden of others. When he said the "Prodigal Son" I thought about what I know from the Bible about that parable, and what it's about... I realized that I was the "son" turning home... I'm ready to come back to God and do his work. I haven't been going to church since August I believe, my excuse is my show, so I go to the shop early and don't leave until the evening. I'm going Sunday, not because I'm almost done with my show (i wish), but because I want to be in the presence of God, and worship. I'm grateful for His little hints to me, though I don't always see them like I should... That will change.

I, along with Jason, have been stressed out so much this semester, more him than me. I'm not good about my stress, and just want people to take care of it for me in some cases. Lately, I have decided to take care of it on my own. Already I feel better by writing in my personal journal and talking to God more. I've tried readying my Bible, but I'm not even sure where to start. I started reading verses from emails I get from Belief Net, but still feel a bit empty or lost with those. I'm going to start my Experiencing God book again, even though I probably need a small group to discuss it. Oh well.

This helped me a bit just now - Jesus Christ actually affirmed that your life would be burdened by stress; not exactly an encouraging word. But His statement was also punctuated with a promise of hope in John 16:33. “But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I miss home, but I'll see everyone soon. I love you all and miss you so much!

WHA?

2008-10-28T08:48:00.001-07:00

Who would have known...

2008-10-14T08:30:00.002-07:00

Why do announcements have to be so confusing and expensive!?! According to the list Rhonda gave me, there are 60 people alone on that list, and I have at least 20 other people just from work and my social life that I want to announce to. So how many is too many.... I'm trying to think about how many I ordered when I was in high school, and I still have left overs from then. And do I really need the fancy thank you cards with the seal on them? I'm really sweating this right now, but I don't know what else to do. I can spend $300 and get 50 Announcements, Thank You Notes, Envelope Seals and Tissue Inserts, plus 60 address labels, and one Announcement Cover(which I'm not even sure what it's for). But is it worth that much, and I would have to order more just to get 60. Maybe I should just ask one of the Advertisers to Design it for me, but that makes me feel guilty about using up their free time to do me a favor... PLEASE HELP! I added 25 of each on to the order and now it's $450!

So my show is barely getting started right now, or appears that way. My first image got messed up, all because I forgot one step, so it got dark on me. Then my second image's registration got goofy, so I trashed it too. Now I'm starting to print the third color of my third image, the 2nd of my 4th, and hopefully the first of my 5th. By next week I should have three done, if not more. I'm going to do at least 6 images total, unless I go overboard with the colors. I'm trying really hard to keep it simple, but less isn't always more...

2008-09-24T12:23:00.002-07:00

I love this website OhGizmo.com, cause it's AMAZING! Like this Shirt for instant...

As for me, I'm busy working and schooling... Even though I basically had to start completely over with two of my images, now I feel rushed.

Well, back to work....

Drum roll please...

2008-09-12T09:07:00.002-07:00

So my show is November 21, 2008 at Beasley Gallery, and will hang for 4 weeks! I'm so excited to finally find out! I made my calendar schedule so I stay on track, and I should have a minium of 8 images by November 1st! Just giving a heads up....

Still Not Finalized

2008-09-08T17:17:00.004-07:00

So today I finally had that meeting I've been waiting for two weeks now, only to still be left hanging. I finally met about my Show Date only to find out that my department sucks major balls. Not only does the "Advisor" for the Capstone class come almost 30 minutes late to his own meeting, he tells us (being only 3 people) that he doesn't know if there are more people from two other emphasis. So I'm on the back burner still it seems. It would be nice to have my show only with two other people, one being a painter and the other a jeweler, but it also means one show for the semester and that it would be left up for about a month. At least I know there will be a high possibility that my show will be on November 21, 2008, unless more people join the mix then there is the chance it will be on December 5th, 2008. Either way, I want it done and I feel ready, even after hearing how behind the two others are in obtaining their committee members and show theme. I've had a whole semester to think about mine and have already been talking to my three members since the end of last semester as well. I guess I'm just more prepared than those around me.

One week gone, and I'm already behind...

2008-09-01T17:28:00.002-07:00

Or at least that's how I feel right now. I have only met for my classes twice thus far, and I feel so behind... I think I'm stressing too much about my show, or who will be there, or if I'm the only one graduating in the whole department. Many people are saying "that would be cool to show by yourself, and have the whole gallery to yourself," but that's more pressure on me, or at least feels like it at this point. I want my degree really, really bad right now, but it almost looks like I should wait until the Spring. But family has already gotten days off, or plans are in the process of being settled... I feel like I'm going to make myself so sick I won't get anything done.

I've begun, or at least tried to, looking at announcements and rings. I'm not sure I want a ring, but I didn't get one in high school for whatever reason, but is it worth it to get one for NAU? Yes, I've been attending NAU for 4.5 years now, and could get two degrees if I really wanted to, but would I wear it or be proud of it?

I just got back from California, for my brother's wedding... It went by so fast, and I was so exhausted from getting off the train just hours before the start. But it was good to see family, even the extended ones. Made me miss home even more. It was also good to hear that my family really does like Jason, including my parents, and just talking with Rhonda and Brian as we pigged the apartment.

Jason and I went through El Cajon on our little adventure through California a few weeks back, even though he didn't want to have to drive back to PHX on the boring ol' I-8. Just spending the equivalent of 2 days there with Rhonda and Brian hooked Jason on moving there. I have never thought about living South of Long Beach, only North closer to the Lusters and Eberhardts. But if Jason got a job in LA, even if it was getting coffee for dudes at KROQ (joking), he could just take the train from SD to LA and back. He's already been looking at houses in Lemon Grove, which is like 15 minutes from my Bennett family. And trying to get me to apply at SDSU, which does have an MFA program, but I haven't researched further. I keep telling him to talk to God about it, cause I don't have the answers, and to realize that he has a year and no job when he gets to CA right now. Yeah, a $1200 a month mortgage is great, but where's it gonna come from? Plus my research process in Grad Schools has declined with work and now school. I guess that's gonna have to be my weekend job.

Plain and Simple.... I'm Mad

2008-08-10T22:50:00.004-07:00

Well, I'm in California, and my Mom just basically told me that there is no point in coming home. I'm in Santa Barbara with Jason, expecting to go down tomorrow to the LB, and she tells me this. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like it. I want my family right now, and it kinda feels like high school where they are too busy for me. Makes me wonder if my Senior Show is important enough for them to come and support me... I don't care to walk, I care if you are there when I make the speech...

And I know, everyone has a life now...

2008-07-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so greatful right now. David, my advisor, gave me the Shop Assistant postion! Yeah, it's not a lot of money, I mean I'll get maybe 10 extra hours a week, but added to what I prospect for next Fall, I'll only have 18 hours in the SUN office due to classes, so it almost puts me at 30 hours a week, which would be nice. I mean, I can't work over thirty during the semester anyway, right? Ok, there are exceptions, like the Dome show last semester, but those are rare...

I've been thinking of about Grad School at lot lately, mostly worrying about if I'll actually get an internship somewhere that will help pay for some of my schooling. I've been trying to do research online through many search engines, and even think I might just look at each college in each state and see if they even have a program for Printmaking. But for I can even think about submitting applications, I have to do my show, which is another worry on my list. I think I have narrowed it down... but I still have to work out somethings.

Hopefully I get to go home before all the craziness starts over here with the concert. But with my current bills and things are making that decision almost seem impossible....

PS. JuiceBar... If you read this anymore. Only your "friends" can comment on your blog, not random readers... Maybe look into getting a blogspot if you want feed back.

Wish I could have stayed longer...

2008-07-14T21:14:00.002-07:00

I already want to go back to California... Our trip was too short, but worth it. Spent time with my nephew Paul, made three different ice creams(well my siblings did), laughed with my parents on the porch, and tickled my nephew James. I think we are planing to go out there again in about a month.

Work is starting to suck even more. I left today after 4 hours of being there, even though I should have stayed longer, I need the hours.

I'll post pictures later, since I've been taking them but not uploading them off of my camera... Sorry.

Looking for Empolyment?

2008-07-09T11:51:00.002-07:00

My hours have been cut... GREAT! Now I've been told that I don't have enough to do to get the hours I need/want. I've been cut down to 25-30 hours a week. I keep dwelling on the fact that I was told I would be getting 40 this Summer working Grounds, only to be told that they decided to put me in the office doing nothing. Yes, there is prospect in the future, ie. working the front desk once we move, but that's not happening anytime soon, and doubt I'll even be doing that. I've been thinking of getting a different job, even though my current one is so flexible around my school schedule. But then again, the Print Shop needs a Shop Assistant, and I'm going to be in there all the time anyway, why not get paid for it, right? I should go fill out my Federal Work Study Papers and talk to Dave more...

Leaving Friday!

2008-07-08T08:26:00.002-07:00

I'm so excited to be going home... Well it's not exactly home, but my family will be there. I really wish I could be there right now, but we still have to head to Phoenix first, but at least we just have to shoot across the I-40 on the way back. I can't wait to have a crank off, and actually make three kinds of ice cream.

Just when I think work is getting better... I'm sorry no wants to be in your crappy Gallery that no one walks through, but don't lie to me about what's currently in there, I talked to the artist yesterday... I never asked, or was explained to, about the gallery and it's procedures. Now I can't think of anything to write, or even what I was going to...

2008-06-28T17:45:00.003-07:00

So I've been asked by a few people these past two weeks as to when I was planning a trip back to the LB? Well I wasn't planning on being home this Summer. Yes, I'm coming to California in two weeks or so, but that is for Family, and I won't even be in Long Beach. As much as I would like to come home, right now I can't fit in a time to do so. Plus, with the cost of things (the train to Victorville alone is 200 busk), I don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm gonna try to come out for Labor day, for the boys' birthdays...

And I'm bummed right now, cause Jason is still in Fresno. He went to Promise Keepers with Church, and told me that it ended at 1pm today, but he just called that they are barely to Bakersfield. "It ran until 4pm, so we won't be back until about 2am." It kinda makes me mad, but I can't do anything about it. I was hoping they go back early enough that he and I could actually hang out a bit, guess not. And I really could us the help with Gracie, his new Cattahoula puppy...
Work is going ok, minus the fact that this next week, I'm gonna have to find some way to keep busy to keep my hours. But then again I'm growing tried of working there, seeing the same people everyday, and hearing the same complaints over and over. I get it ZJ, you want to control everything, even how people think for themselves. I mean this last week I only worked 29 hours because I wanted to. I think I'm only going to strive for 32 max, that's four 8hour days a week. Sounds good to me right now.

2008-06-16T08:35:00.002-07:00

We got a roommate! I'm so excited and a bit sad. I'm grateful that God handled the situation, and I hope she fits in just right with us, but I'm concerned with how my roommates are currently swindling her. The room is 550/month, plus utilities(add about an extra 70 bucks). I had to pay that last month, which I didn't see how it was fair after discussing it with Jason a bit. That's 200 more for just having your own bath and a slightly larger closet. Jen's response to me chipping in more to lower the rate of the Master was, "But that's like your own little place down there, you know? And what did you post the rent as?" That just made me mad a bit, was she thinking like that when I moved down there? Why can't we help someone out, even when we know we can afford an extra 25 bucks a month?

Work is starting to drag on me, and it's mostly the people here. Like I said, I feel as if I was dealt an unfair hand in this game, but I'm working. I'm finding it hard to stay busy at times, but this week the only days I will have down time are Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Yea, three of the five days I work this week. Yes, I'm probably going to wear myself out today and Thursday, but I'm trying to make it so that I have time to help Jason with his new puppy.

I just need to go home...

2008-06-09T15:07:00.003-07:00

A lot has been going on especially lately. I just spent last week moving our office, even though our new office is still occupied by it's current residences. My hours weren't cut. YAY! I just have to make sure I don't go over 40 each week, even though I did last week, but I've been told it's cool.
I'm also feeling a bit better about not having to be outside on Grounds Crew, mostly because the people involved this Summer are slackers and kinda dumb. Not all of them, but I just would rather not be hanging out with them 8 hours a day. I've also taken on some extra hours, so that I'm more active at work.

Jason moved closer to church, which means he's farther from my house. But he likes it there, and is happy that the kitchen is bigger.

As Church goes, we only went to Sunday school since Jason had to work at 11am, but we were there long enough to plan a Young Adult bowling day on Saturday. I hope it's a go cause we couldn't last week because of some pro bowling tournament at the only bowling alley in Flagstaff. I haven't done the bulletin in two weeks, mostly because I quit asking for the information. Especially since I just cause people grief, stupid Penny. It felt so good not to have that on my plate for the few weeks that I haven't done it. It's always incomplete, lack of info from Pastor and the congregation, which just makes me look dumb, or at least I feel that way. I also feel like people don't like the new lay out, even though nothing has really changed. It opens the same way, I just have allowed to words to songs be on an insert rather than take up space on the first page. I haven't told the Pastor yet that I'm not interested in doing it anymore, plus I don't have access to the computer I was using.

I've moved again, but it's only up stairs. Since Janice bailed on us, and I've been the only one looking for a replacement, I decided to take my old room back and pay less. Well I'm going to pay at least 25 bucks more than the other rooms cause I don't think it's fair for someone to pay 200 bucks more than everyone else just because they have a bathroom and larger closet. I'll at least cut about 25 bucks more out of the rent for the Master. Jason thinks I should just move out all together since the other two don't really help with the upkeep of the house or care about looking for a roommate.

I'm suppose to be writing a paper, I haven't even started and it's due tonight....

Why am I angry?

2008-05-18T16:23:00.001-07:00

Well I guess I won't be out in the sunshine this Summer. I'm currently helping with the changes and cleaning in my office, which is moving at the end of this month, then being a receptionist for the remainder of the Summer, with a slight pay raise. I really wish it was more, but can't really do anything about it until after July 1st.

I went to church today, and all I did was get angry. I've been working on a new bulletin for Greenlaw, since they have been using just MS Word to produce one. So I've been using InDesign at work, off hours, and designed what I think is a pretty good start, which has just caused me issues with the church and mostly my Pastor. He has told me that he would get me all the information for upcoming events for the next three months, plus all the info needed for each week. NOT! But I've dealt with it, not always in a good manner once discussing it with Jason, but I've done my best to please, but some of his choices are just impractical. Not every space needs filled, it's ok to leave so white areas, it's ok to not list everything such as Piano, the first verse of a song that is out of the Hymnal. I've been praying that God help me with this task, but I'm starting to feel like it's not one I should have taken on. I've already gotten negative reaction from one of the staff members, indirectly, which was not expected.

So I finished the bulletin, and emailed it to Pastor for any corrections before it went to print. Of course his email doesn't work, like aways, so we drop off a hard copy at the church. He calls Jason, why, I don't know. I've misspelled the Special Guests name, and a few words in the insert, ok, not the end of the world. So we fix it, and email it to him so he can get it printed at Kinko's (since the church copier doesn't like the gradation of the images). Of course he doesn't email me back, and doesn't call me to let me know he was unable to go get the copies done. So he calls Jason, Saturday a little after 2pm, and ask that we get it done. Jason got off at 5pm, we go to Kinko's, which apparently in Flagstaff, it closes at 1pm. Along with Staples and Office Max! The only other place I could think of to copy them off at is at work, so I begged my good friend to let me in to do so. 30 minutes later I got the bulletins done, all 130 of them. I didn't do the insert because he stated to Jason that he would get them done at church. So I folded all 130, and brought them to church this morning, and waited patiently for Pastor to show, so I can hand them off and go to Sunday School. While in class, he comes in, "do you have the insert?" I wanted to cry! "You don't have the master?" I emailed it to him to his WIFE's address like he asked, and stated that the insert could be done at church to save money. Jason and I walk into the sanctuary, and open up the bulletin. Two pieces of paper fall out, one of which is an old draft of the insert I made(with the errors), the other one he just did with more information he "forgot" to let me in on. So not only does he not pay attention, he wasted his time and money on an extra sheet that just makes the whole thing feel weird for some reason. Like it's chaos, not nicely organized. Jason told him that there was an updated one, which he stated he couldn't find...

I haven't talked to Ted or Fannie about taking on the position of Publicity Coordinator, mostly because of how the production of this bulletin has been so stressful. I think if I do take on this position, I can find support from the other staff members and less from Pastor. I also don't want to commit to everything that was stated in the position, mostly be cause I have little to no time once school starts up again. I just need to schedule a meeting with both Ted and Fannie this week, if possible.

I'm starting to not like going there. I feel as if the pastor is killing is own church off. He went to seminary at New Orleans, and emphasized in Methodology, which isn't helping us grow. Am I a bad Christian for feeling this way? Jason doesn't want to leave until he finishes FAITH and Experiencing God, which is fine, but I just can't handle this anymore.

Ever since we went to what I thought was Bible Study on Wednesday, and got annoyed at how Pastor uses a PA System for 10 people, and how it wasn't a bible study, it was just a repeat of Experiencing God, I wanted to leave after only being there for 20 minutes. What did I do after those twenty minutes, sat there while Pastor went over the prayer list, and asked if anyone new or wanted to pray for that person he was currently talking about, and then we would pray, only to go back in to conversation about someone else needing someone there to pray for them and praying again, for a FULL HOUR we did this! I'm sorry but that is really, REALLY, LAME! You have bible study to study the Word, and learn more about what God has in stored for you, not to spend only 15 minutes in it, then individually pray for each person for an hour, while you stand in front of a mic for 10 people that can hear you perfectly.

It seems really backwards to me, which I'm not even sure that is the correct term to use. I also don't like how for today's sermon, was a former Mormon talking about his testimony and nothing about GOD. That's fine, I like having people come in and talk, but when it's Worship, it needs to be Worship. Not a power point of how you grew up in a horrible family and got caught up in Mormonism (which you're going to explain again tonight at 5:30pm).

I feel like I need to say something, but I don't think Pastor cares for what comes out of my mouth. Maybe I'm not on his level, since he calls Jason in regards to the bulletin, rather than me. I really don't know what to do at this point, but try my best to get through it and hope God works through me to help, if I'm suppose to.

2008-05-12T13:11:00.002-07:00

We'll I' m back, but once I get home, I get bad news. I knew that one of my roommates was already leaving this Summer since she graduated last week. And the plan was to find a new roommate... NOW the situation is that two are leaving, one of which is leaving tonight, after lying to me last week. I feel betrayed, but getting over that fairly easily. But now that puts me and Jamie in a tough spot. We both want to stay, and we both don't want to live with boys of couples, but need two roommates fairly soon... Please pray for me...

less than 48 hours

2008-05-02T08:18:00.002-07:00

I leave tomorrow, but still have to fix my ticket(thanks Retah). I have one edition left, and looking back on what I did this semester, it had to be my worse for Printmaking. I mean I'll have eight editions, but out of all of them, I only see one being successful, and it was an accident. Yes, I procrastinated big time, by going to work to make money rather than work on my life's work. I feel kinda dumb, cause this was because of me, no one else, thus I'm not complaining about work, but about how I just wasn't focused. I'm really scared I will get a bad grade, but my prints look bad. I just want to burn them, and worry about the waste of money that was spent on supplies and time. Yes, I said time. I was told over two years ago that I should think about how much my work is, not to make a profit, but to evaluate MY cost. I'm also really scared cause of the fact that I won't be back from California until after my crit. Maybe I should ask for an Incomplete...

I am do to graduate, finally, this Fall. I still have to turn in papers, but I'll do that the week I'm back. But now I'm stressing about my work for next fall. There is two ways I want to go about my capstone, one I got all yes' on, but the other had mixed feelings from my peers. I think they both are equal work, but it's my show, and I want it to be more than just things on the wall, if they even go on the wall...

I met with my Pastor yesterday about the current bulletin I've created for Greenlaw, which I'm starting to realize how far they are behind everyone else. I'm not sure does the website, but it needs a big boost. He really likes hanging out with us young folk, ie Jason and I, I think it takes him back to when he was in college. He makes me want to learn more about being a Christian, though he's a bit pushy. May I will get my Theology Degree... Also, after talking to him, I may take the Publicity position, which he said he would help me out a lot with that, along with Jason. Pastor already does a lot of the stuff, so it would be like I just got dropped into it. I still have to let Ted know, since he's on the staffing committee or something like that. I hope it fits in my life, or should I say in what God has planned for me.

2008-04-30T06:52:00.002-07:00

I realized this morning that I have a lot on my plate, and just keep piling on the sides. I'm going home, and for a week. Why a week? Cause the Service is on the fifth, the Viewing the day before, and my sister is due on the 12th. Also, because I have only one critique next week, which it will be the day after the funeral. So I'm staying until my sister pops, so that she has someone to watch the boys and not have to wait 2-6 hours for them to come. Yes, I was a back up, and boy would that have been crazy!

So because of my leaving, which it wouldn't be that much different if I stayed, just would have had two extra days, I have to get two portfolios done by Saturday. This includes all my jewelry piece, which are due this Thursday, since Joe does critique during Reading Week. Which I finished my last project yesterday in class. But now I have to print five editions! This includes a Relief block, my Intaglio, and three to four litho stones. No I have not been lazy this semester, just stuck on a lot of things. One of the current editions wasn't even what I wanted it to be, but had no more time to mess around with it... Oh well, I'll get it done.

Also, as of yesterday, I have committed to two things at church, and the pastor is pushing for more. We were suppose to meet about the bulletin I made last week, and he was suppose to make revisions, especially when it had a lot of guessing involved. But do to his current time flick, I was just handed information about the remaining bulletins for May. This is fine, and what I wanted to do, but I also realized as of yesterday as well, that I will not be here for the next two. Yes, I can get them done, just simple swap outs, but it lacks information. The pastor wants us to grow in the church, but it's more like he wants us to be the church. He asked us, Jason and I, to be on the Vision Team. Jason has only been a member since the start of May, and a Christian since February. As for myself, I've battled against myself for years when it came to my walk, and am finally getting to understand what He wants and is doing in my life, but I have barely moved my Letter over to Greenlaw(3 weeks). And to be on a "Committee" when the both of us are so young, at least to the reminder of church family, is a bit weird to me.

Then take me out...

2008-04-27T14:53:00.003-07:00

Gregg’s Angry Blog

Nothing fancy here...just the truth and how I feel. I am perhaps one of the luckiest men on this great earth. I have a wonderful, caring, loving, and talented wife and two awesome daughters. Thank you God for the great gifts that you have bestowed upon me!!! What really troubles me is other people's attitudes towards my family and I. About 4 years ago, we (Rebecca and I) decided as a couple, team, and partnership that it would be in our best interest that we moved to South Carolina. We were attempting to salvage what little bit of family that I have as well as pursue other areas in which to raise our soon coming family. I knew then and have always known that this was a sore spot for many in the family but the question is why? I'll tell you...because we were doing what was right for us and that wasn't convenient for your selfish little world. Over the years that I have been alive, I have watched many dear friends of mine move on to other parts of the country and world and have assisted most of them in packing. Always parting ways with a warm embrace. Many have lost touch over the years and thats ok with me...it happens. Some, I still keep in touch with and am just as fond of them today as I was 10 years ago. I don't fear that my distance from them will cause me to love them less. Take my friend Mike. We were on a Special Forces team together. We can go for years without speaking only to meet and continue the same conversation with the same brotherly love and affection just as if time stood still for us. Maybe that makes us different than some out there. I don't know. What I do know is that the move that we made years ago did not involve you or anyone else. It was for us as a family and it was the correct choice. Not only is our family stronger and closer now, but we are also more prosperous as well. That move was successful for us but you couldn't be happy for us only self centered and hateful. Your selfishness not only hurts me but more importantly, it hurts my wife who is the center of my world. By the way, I take your attacks on her as personal attacks aimed at me. I am not being quiet about it anymore. Let me hear one more snide little remark and I will confront you openly and in person. Why am I so angry you may be asking? Well, I will tell you. My wife is the most loving and caring person that I have ever met. You would do well to thank the Almighty to be related to her or to know her for that is a truly blessing. You don't though. Nope. You only ridicule her and myself and speak of her with ill report. I won't stand for it anymore and I dare any to confront me on this. This anger has come about from the years of biting my tongue while knowing that your smiling face was false and hearing your little remarks second hand. Such childish behavior. This last trip was the one though. I want to thank you for such a memorable time. We spent our hard earned money to come and see you, to be a part of a family event, but most importantly, we came to see GRANDMA!! We have known that she wasn't well and we saw this as an opportunity to see her perhaps for the last time. We sure hoped that wasn't the case but unfortunately it was. We had also decided, as a family, about a year ago that we would move back to Las Vegas in order to be closer to family and friends. See, South Carolina has been very good to us with regards to employment opportunities and has brought us closer together but the main reason why we moved just didn't work out and we have grown to feel that it was time to come back to where we both feel that we belong. We had to wait though because I have been busting my butt working on my BS degree through a Veteran's program which was intended to and is presenting better opportunities for the family. (Becca, I couldn't have done it without you!!!) Now the time is right for us to move and we are doing so. So any rate, we came out there with a full agenda planned...not really a vacation at all mind you. 1. See Grandma 2. Attend a wedding 3. See friends in Las Vegas 4. Attend job interviews What you people don't understand is that number freakin' 3 is very important to me. Remember, my family outside of Becca and the girls has deteriorated to just my brother and me. Friendship is very important to me as my friends are my family. Mike Torres...Special Forces teammate and brother. (you wouldn't understand because you've never been in that world and you have probably never had to depend on someone with your very life) Dave Thompson...my iron worker and motorcycle riding brother (he has always been there for me and the family in more ways that you'll ever understand) Kacy Coleman...he's putting me up in his condo until the house sells and I can reunite with Becca and the girls. (I had to practically break his arm to make him let me pay rent) Kathleen Dibble...She and Rebecca go so far back and Kathleen has done so much for us I feel obligated to re-landscape her back yard for her as a show of gratitude and love. By the way, when we decided to move to the east coast, these people were not happy about it, but they were a heck of a lot more supportive than you. This is why we were on a tight time line when we came to California. You are not the only person in our lives and we were trying to get a lot done and see a lot of people in a short amount of time. Like trying to get a job so we could move back to Las Vegas and be closer to you and our friends again. All in all, I think that we were being pretty giving but there again, you can't see past your own greed. Also, I'd like to add that we paid for this on our own dime and it wasn't cheap. Also, we were using our vacation time which we could have saved and used to take a real family vacation to some place fun for the family. You know, a simple thank you or a genuine statement that you were happy to see us would have been nice. Like that would really happen. No, instead, we were so warmly greeted with blank faces ignoring our presence. You wonder why I looked like a sour puss? I really just wasn't feeling the love from you. I will tell you who I really enjoyed seeing...aside from Grandma...Rachael, David, and their boy, Paul. Thank you guys for hanging with me and the great conversation. It really made the day fun for me. Also, getting to know some of the extended family that I never had the opportunity to talk to in the past was really cool. But you, and you know who you are, really let me down this time and it hurt. My feelings aside, it hurt my wife and I reiterate what I wrote above with the emphasis that you do not want that. This is not some sort of tough guy threat mind you. This is a fact that if you continue with your selfish ways and continue to nit-pick and back-stab, you will only be hurting yourself in the long run because eventually you will be written out of our lives just as my own mother has been after the devastating attacks on us that she did. Lies by the way so you can stop with all that BS too. We (Becca and I) are a team and we love each other. We do well together and won't let anything jeopardize that. Try to look at the big picture next time. You can either be a part of the fun or you can take your ball and get out of our yard. Is that clear enough for you?

One last thing. This isn't aimed at one person but rather several and I am not listing names in an attempt to be civil but in the future, I will call you out by name regardless of who you think you are...face to face. -GM

I think I'm responsible for this one. Mostly because I was highly upset about something I saw prior to all of this family drama. I saw how my sister would rather be with those that just tell her she's doing no wrong, than those that want to see the real sister, not the one that tells half trues. I love my sister, my brother and my two nieces, though I RARELY see them. I mean I rarely talk them, and it hurts to get a phone call from my niece and she asks for Kat. I'm glad that they have moved to South Carolina, and that it was a family decision, but I'm not happy about how they don't share with us, not that they did much before, what is going on?

I opened my mouth when I probably should have just bit my tongue, but I was hurting and not thinking. So now, my brother is attacking my family in full. Yes, my family would LOVE for everyone to be close, but they do realize(not always at first) that it's what GOD wants. But nobody hates for your doing so, and never did. Yes, you spent a lot of money to come out, and I'm sure the Bennett's and everyone else were happy to see you, but it was also a busy time. So I'm sorry you felt neglected, but I myself barely got to do anything for myself those few days Jason and I were their. He wanted to go to the beach, but instead he help my family get things going. I still feel bad that he didn't get to really do anything but work on a wedding. I'm glad you got to see Grandma and talk to her, because I didn't. I'm also glad you got to talk to family members that you don't normally talk to, for whatever reason. But to think, that we HATE or disagree with how you guys are doing in things is a bit drastic. We love you guys, but you don't allow yourselves to be open with us. I'm not saying tell us everything that is going on everyday, just stop with the lies.

One thing about our family is we critique each other, about everything, everyone outside notices it, but that's what we do. Not to hurt each other, but to bring attention to things that need to change. We are Critical because we love each other and want each other to succeed, not just in society, but mostly with GOD. And you both have been sliding for quite sometime... I worries me that you aren't saved...

This isn't meant to hurt you, or make you seem we don't care. You're family, and if you want me gone, take me out. It's not like I get them anyways...

2008-04-25T10:10:00.004-07:00

I want one! they are so Cool!